|
Return to Granny's Query index
Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
This is a complicated Mother-in-Law-to-be question. I have been dating a man for 1.5 years; he recently proposed marriage to me. I love him, but the idea of spending the rest of my life dealing with his mother terrifies me. She has shown herself to be, at various times, hateful, intolerant, evil, and pathologic. I've only met her twice, both
times over what appeared to be two very pleasant dinners. She has since excluded me from their family's events (they live just 3 miles from thier son, my beau). She publically humliated me in front of my boyfriends' colleagues at an event, saying she "didn't even recognize me because I must have put on so much weight" etc etc. She attacked my
politics, "So you are still a big CLINTON LOVER, are you?" subjects.
When my boyfriend tries to talk to her calmly about her behavior, she screams and cries and runs out of the room, yelling: "If you continue to date her, I WILL DISOWN YOU AS MY SON.." When my boyfriend confronted her about humilating me in public, she replied: "Well, she's just lucky I didn't raise up on my haunches like a GREAT
GRIZZLY BEAR and REALLY hurt her."
When I've interacted with her, I have maintained a pleasant, calm demeanor and then quickly exited the conflict as soon was appropriate. My boyfriend finally stood up to her (months later after the last outburst), but he thinks that she may not ever change. I am SURE she will never change.
If I pursue this relationship and marry this man, I realize that I will be marrying his family, too. I am considering his proposal, but with the condition that if we do end up together, it will have to be in a city far from his mother and we probably will have to minimize contact. He will definitely need to set boundaries. I think he his capable of this (because I truly believe in the ability of people to change, and grow) but then I also have my doubts.
What should I do? Is there any hope of reconciliation with someone like her? Does he need to completely sever ties with her, or is there some middle ground?
Sincerely,
Confused.
- Dear Confused,
-
You have answered all your own questions. You are right on most counts, but you have said you think your boyfriend will change. Well, as you also state, you know you can't change anyone but yourself. So don't count on him to "divorce" his mother. She has always been his mother and always will be.
Moving to a far away place sounds like the best hope for you if you absolutely can't avoid her in the town where you now both live. As for the things she says about you to others, and in public, I wouldn't worry about that at all. From what you say I don't suppose people pay much attention to her anyway.
And, also as you have stated, when you marry that man you marry his family and no matter how far away you move if you have children they will be that woman's grandchildren - and just think of what that will entail.
If she is mentally ill, there could be some hope of a cure but I wouldn't count on that either.
This life is full of choices. When a decision is made to marry someone, you have to take everything into consideration. If the necessity to be his wife is stronger than the knowledge that your entire life will be influenced by his mother, just sit down with yourself and make the decision. We all know that these days such a decision can be reversed later but you really don't want to enter your marriage thinking that it might not last.
Talk it over frankly with your future husband and see if he thinks he can support you through all the turmoil that you face, as his mother's daughter in law. Also, think back to each of the incidents - you have only been with her twice - and go over them carefully in your mind, Perhaps they really were not as bad as you think they were.
Be glad she doesn't include you in her social life.
And do think twice - or maybe four or five times - before saying "I do" to her son.
Yours sincerely,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
|
