I'm a 32 year old woman who's having a difficult time divorcing myself from my parents. I had an extremely abusive childhood (by both parents). Four years ago, my parents interfered in my divorce by siding on my exhusband's side in a long and bitter custody case. They testified against me in court, helped to hide $30,000 in financial assets, and at one point kidnapped my kids. I won custody but the wounds were just too much. I had passed the point where I could forgive my parents for their wrongdoings and had to sever my relationship with them permanently.
I've since remarried, and keep a safe distance from my family. They still have a relationship with my two older kids (via my exhusband)...and I have to contend with the constant mind games they play on them. The problem is my
new baby. Since she was born 8 months ago, my relatives have reappeared. I want nothing to do with them, nor do I want them to assume a role as Grandparents, but they won't leave me alone. My mother is on a campaign to convince my new husband that I'm mentally insane (he thinks SHE's insane).
How do I fully separate from them? I've expressed myself enough times that I'm divorced from them, but the horrid games continue (often including my two older kids). Intellectually, I know they are very toxic to me. Emotionally, it breaks my heart that my family feels justified in abusing me...still.
Signed,
Frustrated
Your parents don't have to "assume" the role of grandparents, they ARE grandparents, and will be as long as they live.
Because you will never be able to change them and because the future peaceful existence of your three children are at stake, your only recourse is to change yourself in some small way.
Your parents will never send me their version of your childhood, your marriage break-up and the ensuing custody battles, so I can only assume that your impression is correct.
First, a caution. They abused you as a child so you must watch yourself with your own children because child abuse tends to repeat itself in the next generation.
Also, depending on the nature of the abuse you suffered, you may be finding it difficult to take charge of yourself as an adult. I get the feeling that you are still very much under the influence of your parents. With a new husband and a new child perhaps now is the time for you to take a stand and take charge. If your parents try to rule your life you might just tell them that you've moved on to a new phase.
As the children grow older they will have to decide for themselves just how close they want to be with their grandparents. If your parents want to buy their grandchildren with gifts and good times, that's their choice. You can't stop them so don't waste your energy.
I hope your husband will help you in your attempt to grow up and run your own family as you feel it should be run. If indeed your parents are causing real trouble within your own personal household you could move far away.
That is a drastic suggestion, I know, but you can't go on forever letting the rift between you and your parents ruin your
mental health.
Another possible solution would be for you and your husband to sit down with your parents, away from the children, and tell them how miserable you feel about their interference. Ask them to help you find a solution. Ask them if there is anything you can do to improve your relationship with them because you want everyone to move on to a new stage. Tell them you are no longer their little girl, that you may have done or said things in the past that upset them, but that you really want to turn a new leaf and start fresh.
In other words, don't stand up and accuse them of having ruined your life; but sit down and try to work it out with them as an adult.
If they try to turn the discussion towards all the things they believe you've done wrong, tell them you're sorry about all that and could make a similar list of all their wrongful deeds going back many years, but this is not the the time for recrimination. This is the time for healing and starting over.
Laying down some ground rules about what you would call interference with your family could clear the air. Or, if you're hoping to get your now dysfunctional extended family into a more plausible mode, you could remove all constraints and just stop trying to run each other's lives. Let everyone interact as they will.
You seem to think your parents are trying to turn your children against you. Possibly that works both ways. I suggest that you should never discuss your parents with the children in any way at all. Don't ask them about their grandparents and don't tell them anything about them. Let the relationship between the children and their grandparents be theirs, not yours.
It's really too bad that we can't change the world, but since the only thing we CAN change is ourselves, that's where we have to begin. Try to adopt a new attitude towards your parents. They must be sad, inadequate, insecure people with little self-esteem to have abused their own children and are still trying to interfere with your life. You don't have to pity them but you can turn your hatred to charity and try to understand them.
Anything you can do to help them feel better about themselves will improve the whole situation and you will all be the winners in the long run.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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