I have another impossible mother-in-law problem for you. My husband and his mother were extremely close (almost unnaturally, on her part, in my opinion) before we got married. She looked to him for everything. He would pay all of the bills, take her on vacation, give her advice on his sister (from another marriage), she would seek him out like he was her husband.
My problem is that she is the kind of mother that thinks her kids are infallible and treats them all that way. So when she is with us, she dotes all over my husband and tells me how lucky I am to have him, how wonderful he is, how handsome he is, how so many women wanted him before he got with me and in the next breath ALWAYS has something to say critical to me or about me. I recently made an ethnic meal for the first time, that my husband loves to eat and we invited her. She just stood in the kitchen and told me everything that I was doing wrong. I told her how
nervous I was about cooking the meal and that she wasn't helping me, and it didn't seem to faze her, she couldn't help but criticize EVERYTHING I MADE!!!
We recently had a weekend getaway with her and AGAIN she made a couple of comments that really bothered me. But I think the most frustrating thing is that when I tell my husband about the problem, he tells me that I am the one taking things too seriously, and that's the way his mother is. Which hurts even more because I feel like he's siding with her and I won't tolerate it! I'm not a confrontational person, so when she is saying something critical I try to ignore it and not retaliate, but it of course, bothers me and then I feel like I don't want to be around her. My husband tells me to
just say something back to her but that's not the kind of person that I want to be. I have terminated relationships in the past that were of that nature. I'm getting to the point that I don't want to spend any time with her and I feel like if he does he can go by himself. God knows that I have tried with this woman, doing favors, buying her things, taking her places and this is what I get in return. My husband doesn't seem to care that she upsets me and still expects me to want to spend time with her. I'M JUST FED UP!
Please Advise!
Your letter is a contradiction. If you are really fed up, that means it's over; there is no further possibility of a decent
relationship between two grown women: you and your husband's mother. You say it's impossible. If that's true, then what good would be accomplished by seeking my advice?
I guess you've written to me because you know I believe that very little is impossible when it comes to human relations.
The last woman who wrote to me in your angry mode about a mother in law used the word "incest" to alarm me because she knows that I do not disfavour real affection between mothers and their sons. It is that very warm relationship that makes their sons such good husbands. If they can understand and love their mothers, they can do the same for their wives.
You will swear you are not jealous of your husband's mother but you nevertheless display all the symptoms. Jealousy is not a sin or a crime. Also it can't be cured. Jealousy is as natural as breathing; there's nothing we can do about it. So go ahead and pout, if that's your style, when your mother in law and her son are collaborating, but do it in the other room. And don't imagine that their special friendship means he loves you any less.
Since doing good things for your mother in law has become a thankless chore, why don't you stop. Unless the giving, and sending, is a pleasure, it isn't worth doing.
As for your husband "siding" with his mother, that expression reveals to me that you think of yourself as her adversary. Why?
Wouldn't it be easier on everyone if you tried to see her point of view for a while. You can't make her see yours, it's
impossible to change other people, but you CAN stretch your own mind to a point of seeing things through her eyes. Then, without giving up any of your own standards, just "allow" her to communicate with your son. Don't panic. She's not going to steal him away. But surely you haven't persuaded yourself that there is a war going on, with him on her "side"!
Cool it with the in laws for a while. And most of all, don't ever talk about them. If your husband, or anyone else brings
them up in conversation, be quick to change the subject or just drift out of the room. Don't ever be heard to say one
disparaging word about them, or seen wincing or raising an eyebrow. When they are around, be busy with something else so they can have all the time they want with your husband. You certainly don't need the aggravation of watching your husband and his mother showing affection to each other, because that really gets under your skin. So just don't be there when it's happening.
But don't let your abhorrence of their behaviour spoil your own feelings towards your own sons. They need your love now, and when you are older you will be really glad they still care for you, even if they have married and have children of their own.
What goes around, comes around.
If you don't like my advice, please seek that of others, but don't write me back to tell me I don't understand your
situation, because, believe me, I do.
And one more thing, for goodness sake ask your husband to keep her out of your kitchen - or better still - send out for pizza!
Truly yours,
GG
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