I am writing to you becaue my mother-in-law and I do not get along. I feel that my mother-in-law puts too much pressure upon me and my husband to see her grand kids. We have two boys ages 4 and 4months. Initially she got to see my eldest child 3x a week for 3 and half hours (about 10 hours a week) because I was working and my husband decided that would keep her company (she is alone because her husband passed away 6 years ago). Now that I am home with the newborn baby, she still wants to do this. She has threatened me and told me that if she doesn't get to see my
eldest son for 10 hours a week and see my newborn for once a week she will get an attorney after me.
I feel the 10 hours for the eldest child is just too much and this concerns me. My husband is afraid to speak to her about this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. My newborn I am not putting on a "visitation schedule if you want to call it" because he is still nursing.I feel she can come over my house to visit him with me there.
Am I being a "scrudge" to her if she was to see my eldest son say once a week for three to four hours and my newborn once a week at my house while I am there?
I have no idea what "scrudge" means but I suppose it is a person who is considering putting her baby on "visitation schedule if you want to call it" with his grandmother. Well, for the record, I would call a "visitation schedule" ridiculous. Why in the world does your husband's mother feel the need to get a lawyer to see her grandchildren? I've never heard of such nonsense. Is she a criminal, or are you?
And why in the world are you counting minutes and hours and toting up visits with your mother-in-law as though she were a danger to the family? How do you do this? Do you stand at the door with a stop watch and blow a whistle when her two hours are up?
Make yourself comfortable with the fact that your children have relatives other than you and your husband. You have married into a family which includes all your husband's relatives. Your mother-in-law is just as much a part of their family as you are, and now that she has lost her husband it is only natural that she should have more time to spend with those little boys who will carry on her family traditions. Thank goodness at least your husband is sensitive to his mother's feelings; I can't see why you can't be too.
You are living in a delusionary world that believes that there must not be friendship between a man's wife and his mother. This dysfunction does exist in some families, and these are the people who miss out on much of the joy of family life. Try to get over these notions and join the world of happy people who accept their in-laws and benefit from all they can offer.
Your sons will have a richer and fuller life if they can freely associate with their grandparents whenever and wherever it is convenient. Putting all this on a schedule is counterproductive. Open up your heart and your home to your mother-in-law and permit your children the luxury of an open relationship with her, and with anyone else who is interested in their welfare. They are not your possessions. You have simply been charged with the responsibility of nurturing and protecting them until they are old enough to look after themselves.
I hope you can open your heart, and your home, to this loving grandmother who should not have her time with those little boys limited. If you decide to improve the situation, as suggested, I'd like to know how your new "open house" method works.
Truly yours,
GG
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