Ever since our Catholic daughter married her Jewish husband, relations between us have been strained. We cannot broach the subject of religion.
Now that the grandchildren are here (2 year old girl and 2 week old boy), things are getting more strained. We see the
grandchildren about 2 times a week. Our daughter is very cordial, but formal. Our son-in-law usually tries to find an
excuse not to be around.
His parents are from out of town and when they come to town, it is quite apparent that we are not welcome in the household. His parents are also more wealthy.
We want to keep a relationship with our daughter and son-in-law and especially our beautiful grandchildren. We have tried to have a relationship with our son-in-law's parents by inviting them out to eat when they come to town, but keep getting refused.
Should we just give up and be satisfied with formal visits with our daughter and the grandchildren? It hurts so much to feel the strain between us. We do not know what religion the children will be raised in, but we suspect it will be Jewish.
Any ideas on how to "normalize" our grandparenting?
Mixed marriages of any sort place an added burden on everyone concerned, but in spite of this some of the finest families are built on this concept.
Your daughter and her husband were brave to choose this and must be strong to make it work. Her strength can be attributed to the way you built her character while she was in your home. They probably don't need your help now but they DO need your understanding, co-operation, and your non-intervention.
You say you don't discuss religion in their home. I know many people who would be able to handle, welcome, and in fact enjoy such discussions but apparently the members of your family would prefer to leave religion out of their conversation just now. This is probably because the topic tends to slip from an intellectual plane to an argumentative level, which is understandably unacceptable.
This might be because your daughter feels your disapproval of her husband's beliefs. I don't know how you can ever get over that barrier. Perhaps time will change things. Meanwhile, you have a closeness with that little family. You can continue to enjoy frequent visits as long as you don't let the religious differences interfere with the pleasure.
The strain of the current formality will ease off in time as she comes to realize that you can all relax and have fun together without the religions "thing" ever coming into the picture. This will take work on your part because your religion, and her husband's religion, are both very strong influences on all your lives. To spend a few hours together without letting any facet of your religion creep into the discussion, or into your actions, will be difficult.
It's worth the effort. After all, you know that those babies are being brought up by loving parents, and no matter what we are - Jewish, Roman Catholic, Pentecostal or Baha'i, we all know that people of all faiths can raise good families. Give them the credit they are due for making their own decisions and do not try to persuade them in any direction, by word, action, facial expression or a raised eyebrow!
As to the other grandparents, you have tried to build a bridge to them but I'd leave it alone for a while now, until they ask you. Then, be gracious and accept. If it never happens, I wouldn't worry. They may be afraid of you. Wealth isn't
everything.
When your son in law chooses to be away during your visits, that is probably because he doesn't feel at ease with you yet. Maybe in a few years he will be more comfortable with you. Meanwhile, don't give it a thought. Enjoy your time with your daughter and her children and remember that if you even mention religion, or anything relating to religion, once, you will be setting back the relationship. Discuss it with your husband before every visit so he won't slip up either. There are MANY other things to talk about.
Also make sure that any books or gifts you bring to that house are not Catholic or Jewish. It's not an easy assignment, but your daughter's happiness is worth it.
The visits you now have are a start. Without trying for anything more just now, build a firm foundation of love and trust between you and your daughter. You will see it flourish.
Good luck,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
