I absolutely hate my mother-in-law! I have never felt this much rage or hate in my life. My husband and I have
been married for 14 years. We quickly had two wonderful children (who are my heart and soul). When I went back to work after giving birth to my youngest child, both children were in a day care for a little over 1 month, when my mother-in-law approached us and asked if she quit her job, would we allow her to watch our children.
Of course! Who better to look after our children than their grandmother. What a huge mistake! Every now and then,
we would allow the children to stay overnight during the week, so they could sleep in, and not have to get up so early to be brought over to their grandmother's house. Before I knew it, every once in a while turned into every night. My husband and I would get into huge fights over them staying overnight with her, or coming HOME, where they belonged.
I finally got tired of arguing all the time, and gave in. By not standing my ground, and insisting that the children come home, my mother-in-law has an obscene amount of influence over my children and my family. She and I have had 2 major blow-outs about this, and she has even gone to the extent of asking for custody of our children (twice!), so they could attend schools in her neighborhood, because of the caliber of people that she lives around. I was flabbergasted! She badmouths my husband and me to every and anyone who will listen. When a stranger asks how old "her" children are, she says "Oh, I'm their grandmother, but may as well be their mother, since I raised them". It makes me sick. I'm not a very outspoken person, and friends have suggested that I put her in her place. I have tried on those two occasions, but to no avail.
I am totally at my wits end, and have even considered divorce just to get her out of my life. My only restitution for this
whole situation, is this: If I died today, that woman will NEVER be their mother. That thought consoles me, and I hope that one day my children will see through her condescending ways, manipulations, and ulterior motives, and have absolutely nothing to do with her. PLEASE HELP.
The only help I can be to you is to try to help you see your situation from a reasonable perspective. You are truly in a sad state. Hating is a sickness and you seem to be very ill with it. I hope your hatred of this woman does not infect your children who, for their own mental health, should have only good feelings towards their grandmother.
She has made it possible for you to go to work outside your home, which seems to be where you wanted to be, while she looked after your children. You claim they are your "heart and soul" but nevertheless you went out while their grandmother gave up her own job to look after them. Few people would do that for a daughter-in-law, but she did. It is probably because those children are also her heart and soul.
Whatever terrible things she is doing, I can't believe that letting the children stay overnight could be considered to be
one of them. That's just a convenience for the children which I assume they appreciate. If you should decide to become a stay-at-home mother, then I'm sure it would be more convenient for the children to sleep in your house instead of in hers.
I am not suggesting, or advocating, that you should quit your job because I'm sure it makes it possible for your family to do many things they couldn't afford otherwise, but since you have chosen to be away all day, you should really not resent the person who is making this possible for you.
I sincerely hope the children appreciate everything this generous woman is doing for them in the meantime. If she thinks of them as hers, that is only to be expected, since you placed them in her care to look after so you could do something else.
Your greatest task right now is going to be to get over your animosity. You simply can't go on for the rest of your life
hating somebody for whom you should have nothing but gratitude. If you are contemplating divorcing your husband to rid your life of the woman who has raised your children, you will only be making things far worse than you imagine they are now.
Don't believe what people tell you that she is saying about your family. Badmouthing sounds like a gossip's recital just to cause trouble. Just don't believe it, even if it could be true. And don't repeat it, ever.
Tell your husband how deeply you have fallen into this sickness of hatred and ask his help in getting over it. Try to pretend your mother in law is a nice person, treat her as though she were a nice person, and probably she will become a nice person. I would not be surprised to find that she has always been a nice person but that your jealousy of her pre-eminence in the lives of your children has twisted your view of her.
Probably there are a lot of little things that she does that drive you totally crazy, but don't dwell on them. Don't let this
situation ruin your life. Think of it as a sickness and a terrible mistake. Think of ways to get over it. Happy times for
the rest of your whole life depend on getting over this now.
Start by acting the part of a friend to her. Make it a starring role. Do an Oscar-winning performance. Be so good that you even fool your husband. Make a game of it but be convincing, not phony. Applaud your own performance in private and reap the benefits of being one of those lucky ladies who actually knows how to get along with her mother in law.
You know, realistically, that you can not get rid of her, so take the only other route; get along with her.
If you try, you will succeed.
Truly yours,
GG
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