Help...My grandson told his mother and me that his estranged father molested him as far back as the age of 4. He is now seven. We've been trying to block visatation with his dad, but nothing is working out the way it should.
Because my grandson won't talk to the professionals they have no case against the father, so we can't prosecute. In fact, since he won't open to anyone freely except his mother and me, the system, the judge, the children's lawyer, etc. all are beginning to think my daughter is coaching him, but geesh, if she was, you can bet he'd be talking to everyone. This is so frustrating. He told me his dad said he would kill his mom and him if he told anyone. The last thing I want to do, since at least he's beginning to come out with this stuff is to give the dad a chance to reinforce these threats.
The whole thing has been a circus. He has talked to at least 5 people about this, none of whom have seen him more than 3 times (that was one person) the rest have only talked to him once or twice.
We found out the specialist from Child Protective in our area doesn't even have a degree in psychology, not even an
associates.
No one has given us counseling on how to deal with this, what to expect. We are not allowed to discuss it with him, so our reaction probably confuses him more.
The week after he first told us, he had two occurances of hurting himself by biting and hitting his head against the wall.
One in school. And choked a boy in school . All that in one week and they hadn't even sent someone over to talk to him yet.
I feel helpless and angry. I know Parental Alienation and Fathers Rights are the big issues now, but I also know that 1 out of 3 people I know have been abused as children in some way.
It happens. I believe it happened here because my grandson told me things that I don't think he could have picked up on television, and I know my daughter would never put in his head. He described oral sex with his dad and said it
tasted bad and he couldn't breathe. How do we prove to him we can protect him now, when the court is ordering my daughter to deliver him to his father?
What can we do? My daughter has offered to take a lie detector test. My son in law was offered one and he refused it. There is no physical evidence because he hadn't seen his dad for 8 months before this came out. The court ordered phone visitation and after two times, the boy just opened up and all this stuff came out. I think it was self preservation because his dad told him he was trying to get overnight visits.
The court looks at it as very convenient that my grandson would accuse his father of abuse right after they ordered the phone visitations. See how it works against us.
Please help....a sick and angry grandmother.
Your grandson is reaching out for attention and love. You and your daughter no doubt love him dearly and want only the best for him, and right now the best for him is to talk with him only about good things, dwell on his achievements and the things he loves to do. If it's possible for you to let him be with other male family members who understand what a seven-year-old likes to do, that would be a positive way of curing him of the unfortunate attitude that seems to have been built up between him and his father.
Since the issues of molestation and access have been handed over to courts, you can't interfere with their judgment, but you CAN look after the little boy. Telephone contact can be monitered with another phone in the same house and disconnected if threats or uncouth words are spoken. You can also record the conversations if you feel like prolonging the legal case you're building against your son-in-law.
What professional qualifications the social workers may or may not have signify nothing. What matters there is whether they are sufficiently interested to let your grandson show them how his father plays with him, using dolls. But the more interest that adults take in this aspect of his father-son relationship, the more he is likely to fabricate. I'm not saying that the child is lying outright. It is most likely that the the father has acted badly with him, but there is also a possibility that the little boy got it all from a chum in school, or from television. Even at his very young age, this is quite possible and has been known to happen.
Molesting takes many forms. What might seem like simple horseplay to one person could be considered gross by another, and the recollections of a four-year-old episode might not be accurate, especially considering the limitations of a seven-year-old vocabulary.
Ideally, for your satisfaction, the father would come forth and admit that he had been acting inappropriately with his son and then relinquish all contact with him forever. But suppose the alleged molestation was not what you think it was. Suppose the father was merely trying in some awkward way to explain things about being a male, that the mother might not be able to.
Your grandson's father is the man your daughter loved at one time and chose to be the father of her children. He can't be all bad. I wish your daughter could talk with him about all this and satisfy herself that it is not as heinous as the little boy is painting it. We all have heard of cases where a child has invented bad scenarios, including threats that they will be killed if they tell. I expect that the first time your grandson spoke about this he drew so much concern that he knew right away he was onto a big attention getting technique.
If he's hurting himself and others in school, there should be consultation between his mother and the teacher. It is my
opinion that this has nothing to do with his estranged father but may be caused by some other problem. His doctor could help in the case of self-injuries and I'm sure the school has gone carefully into whatever brought on the fight with the other child..
Since the whole matter of the alleged molestation is in the hands of social workers and courts, there is nothing you or his mother can do about it, legally, but you CAN minimize it in the life of the little boy.
Don't ever discuss it again with him, with each other, or with anybody else. Let it become a non-subject. I'm sure you feel that what has happened will be with the little boy for the rest of his life and have an effect on him forever. Perhaps you are right. But since he can't confront his father now, because of the alleged threats and also because of the inability of the courts to support his accusation, nothing good can come from perpetuating the matter. Only bad can ensue. Each time it is mentioned in his hearing it happens all over again and is inflated to a point where he will begin to believe that these things dominated his childhood. That's what happens. Fill his life with other far more potent memories. You can't erase the past but you can change the emphasis.
Minute by minute in that child's life, how many were actually occupied contemplating his father's penis? Very few, I'm sure. And when he gets older it will become an insignificant incident in his babyhood, unless you and your daughter escalate it into a major event.
Think hard and find some good things about the boy's father to mention from time to time. That child knows, and will grow to know more and more, that he is a product of that man. He must not be painted as all evil. Character assassination of the man will only destroy the boys' character too.
Drop the bad experiences entirely. Keep the boy away from the father if possible, and if they must be together make sure someone else is there too. The past can't be erased but you don't need to dwell on it. Start today to build the future and let that child never hear a bad word about his father from now on.
Yours truly,
GG
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