I am a 30 year old mother of three. 1 girl who is almost 5, 2 boys, 3 and 18 months. Their father and I are not married but have been together for nearly 8 years.
The problem that I am having is with my daughter.This year was her first year in school, pre kindergarden. She goes every day, half days. She loves school. At home though, wow, she is so totaly different. She never does as she is asked, she is very nasty with her father and me, she is very bossy with her brothers, just constantly defiant. she will argue until I am blue in the face and cannot take anymore. The nastiness is much worse with me than with daddy. Sometimes I feel like she just is so full of hate for me. She literally gets me to the point of breakdown.
I am not sure where to go from here. I have tried giving her choices, I have tried taking things she likes away for short periods of time, have tried a bad chair, have tried sending to her room, etc. She and I do not spend a lot of time together alone and perhaps that may help but I believe the problem will not be solved by this alone.
When she is left here without her father she becomes even worse, acting up as soon as he walks out the door. Could you please give me some idea on how to begin to get this problem under control. She is a very beautiful, smart, very
loved little girl. Somewhere she is getting lost I think.
Thank you,
Distraught
This is the first of your children to go to school so brace yourself for the story to be repeated two more times.
The problems start when they come under different influences and have to adjust to them all. This could take a while, so be patient.
Because she is beautiful and bright, and is probably outgoing because she has been raised thus far with two little brothers, she is undoubtedly attracting attention at school. The children there will admire her and that will go to her head. The teacher will be taking advantage of her good way with others to place her in positions of favour. Then when she comes home she wants to continue being the "cock of the walk" so to speak. A big wheel! So she is testing her power on you, and apparently she is succeeding.
Don't let that bother you, but for goodness sake don't go blue in the face just because SHE is arguing. Let her rant on but just don't react. If she says unbelievable things, ignore her. Do NOT argue. She will tell all sorts of lies now, and probably for another 12 or so years, so don't let them bother you. When she discovers that you don't believe her and don't even care, then she will stop.
Don't talk about her with the others. If she won't obey your simple requests, such as "please clear the table," or "please help your brother dress," or "now it's bed time" - don't repeat the request, just forget it. The world is not going to stop if she is disobedient for a while. It won't last forever.
If you have an opportunity to speak to her teacher you should tell her that the child has become unruly at home since school started. She might be able to help.
But we can't be sure it is because of school. It might be other factors. It might just be her age. Five isn't easy. At that age you begin to know a lot, you form opinions, you learn skills, but nobody pays much attention to what you know. Nobody ever asks your opinion. Nobody really cares what you are thinking. It can be a lonely age. Try dealing with her as you would with an adult. Don't talk "down" to her. Discuss things with a willingness to understand her opinions.
As your oldest daughter, she will be the next adult in your family. Begin treating her as such right now, even though she is still a very young child - but she is not a baby.
Through all this, remember that every single parent of a five year old is going through the same experience as you; and it doesn't end for at least ten years, maybe twenty!
Truly yours,
GG
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