I have a problem maybe you can help me with. I am involved in a long distant relationship with the best guy in the world. He lives about 5 and a half hours away. We see each other every weekend. Its not easy, we know one of
us has to move. I have 3 young children and he has custody of his 2 teens. All 7 of us get along great, I couldn't have hoped for anything better. We love each other very much and can't wait to start our lives together.
The problem is that he has a real problem with trust. The way his first marriage ended wasn't good, basically his ex took him for granted and lied to him for years and left him with nothing but a huge debt. For about a year after he was a mess, he lost 50 lbs. and was on antidepressants for a while. He picked himself up, and straightened out his life managed to get custody of his kids and got his house back. All of which I admire very much.
He is a great man with a good set of values, the problem is that he can't let his guard down with me. He has a hard time really trusting me. Although we are so much in love and know that we are definitely meant to be together, he is just so afraid of being hurt again, and going back to the way he was 3 years ago. We are now engaged, and we have been through a lot more than most couples having to deal with the distance.. but our love is so strong it has gotten us
this far.
I have really never given him any reason not to trust me. As a matter of fact I deserve his trust, I earned it... and he realizes that as well. He just has a real hard time with it.. It's hard not to get mad, but I do understand how it had affected him in the past and I have sworn to him that I would never do that to him.
So what do you think? I know there isn't an easy solution, but I am willing to try anything to make him see that I truly
love him more than anything and I will not leave him. I tell him over and over it just doesn't seem to sink in.
Any advice you give I would appreciate.
Thank you
Sure, that's easy. Set the date for your wedding. Make it a small affair, even just in a chapel with two friends, but make the date definite.
OR - move in together and see what living together is really like. After a year or so you would be considered married in law - common law that is - and then if you want to get officially married you could do it from there.
OR - tell him one more time, firmly, that you ARE to be trusted and that it hurts you to have him suspect you of being like his ex wife.
If he doesn't believe you, puts off the wedding, or refuses to move in with you, stop seeing him.
When he wants you, if he really does, he will come and ask you to finalize a date for marriage, if that's what he wants. Maybe he would rather have you with him for a while before making it final.
Just because another woman has treated him badly, it seems strange that he should suspect every woman, but then men are strange animals, aren't they.
You can't push or pull him into making a decision. You could ask him point blank if he does or does not intend to live with you, If he waffles, then just wait it out. Maybe by next year he will have been able to make up his mind. Meanwhile, get yourself involved in something else to take your mind away from this man. Take up bowling, or learn to play a bagpipe. Anything that gets you out and about.
If he does love you, he will seek you out again. Maybe at next year's seminar he will wake up. Or maybe you'll meet another "best guy in the world."
Truly yours,
GG
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