I have had the shock of my life! My son and daughter in law were divorced several years, they have two wonderful sons- 12 and 10 years old, my grandsons.
My son and his ex-wife still remain friends, the shock came when I was told that their first born is not my sons son. My son was in the army. I flew to Florida from ca. when the baby was born. I feel that he is my grandson, no matter
what.
My daughter in law, whom i still love, told me this secret that had been for twelve years, and I'm not to tell my son. The problem is my son and grandchildren were in an accident a year ago, and the grandson, has had problems ever since. My daughter in law took him to a psychologist, and then he didn't want to see his father any longer. That is my dilemma. It would KILL me if he doesn't want to see me. The DR told her that the grandson would have to tell me, and
we would have to wait until he was ready. Yes he knows, and she said he has known for about 3 years.
What should I do to make things easier for everyone involved? Would it be ethical to call his DR? I send emails and call, but I don't want to push too hard or it would seem obvious what I'm doing! Please, help.
You are distraught at this moment because of the shock of the disclosure, but as time passes you will realize that the
situation is not rare. You would be surprised to know how many people are, like your grandson, not the progeny of the man who is raising them. It is a common occurance and only comes as a shock to people who didn't know, like you.
The child IS your grandson, no matter what, and your love for him won't change, no matter what. And the "what" to ignore is the possibility that he will react poorly because of whatever some psychiatrist is telling him; and it might take a few years go get back to reality.
The reality isn't all that terrible - it's just that the father who raised him and whom he loves doesn't happen to be his
biological parent. You seem to think that your son doesn't know but I suspect he does. In any case it's not your place to discuss it with him unless he brings up the subject first.
If he does know but hasn't mentioned it to you it is just because he doesn't want to talk about it. So, oblige him by not
mentioning it.
Don't contact the doctor, that would achieve nothing. I don't know to whom you are sending emails and calling, but I think you should leave the whole thing alone. Do nothing about it. Just be there and keep on doing the things you always do. Love them all and don't push them into any decisions. If your son is going through a difficult time, don't pry. Don't expect him to share with you at the moment. Stay cool.
Your grandson will come back to you as a friend eventually, even if it takes a few years, just wait. You want to be helpful and I think the best way you can help them all is to not be part of the problem. Let them all know you still love them and leave it at that. When you see them get involved in some other topic.
Within their little group, which excludes you in this instance, they will have to deal with that boy's need to know who his biological father is. That whole matter will be traumatic, but will have to be faced. As it is unrolling, stay out of their
way.
Don't let the fact that you are shocked become a family problem. I hope you can do that.
Truly yours,
GG
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