My oldest son is to be married in a few short weeks. The girl he is marrying does not want any of our family to be there.
My other 2 sons were in the wedding until 3 weeks ago. She had my son call them and tell them if they don't like her then he doesn't want them in his wedding. Her brother is now best man for my son. They are crushed over this.
She also had her "best friend" as maid-of-honor and cancelled that because of a confrontation and now has her sister-in-law as matron-of-honor. This happened 3 weeks before my son called his brothers.
They have not informed me of any of this yet. My son has been calling me for money for flowers and a rehearsal dinner. My husband and I have already given them $3600, that I told them a part was to be used for a honeymoon.
Any left over money was to be used any way they saw fit.
Her parents are divorced and she and her brother were raised by her father and his girlfriend of 22 years. She hates her "step" mother and her mother.
Last week end was her Bridal Shower and my Aunt, other daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law's mother and I went .......a 2 hour trip for us....and we weren't even introduced. There were only 7 people at the shower. I finally did raise my
hand and introduce myself.
After the shower she told my son that I was "rude and ignorant" and he called and told me that if I couldn't be on my "best behavior" then I was not to come to his wedding. Was I wrong to introduce myself? I gave them a $100.00 check, which was not acknowledged...... and a beautiful china vase.
I am so upset and know that she has many insecurities, but cannot understand why my son is letting her treat his family this way? We have always been a huggy and loving family that always included her in everything (we used to live near each other.)
I have chosen to ignore the phone call....it was left on my answering machine. I have also now decided not to pay for the flowers and rehearsal dinner.
How should we handle this? I am afraid that after the marriage it will get worse and we will never see our son. I keep praying they don't have children, as I don't think the marriage will last many years.
Thank you,
Sad Mother of the Groom
You are handling it admirably and we can only hope that a time will come when your son will show his true affection for you again.
At the moment he is totally possessed by the woman who wants to marry him. I'm sure he feels obligated to her and that she keeps him in her power because of that.
Of course you should have introduced yourself at that shower. You should also have been thanked for your kindness in attending and for the gift. You've contributed more than enough to them. It is traditional for the groom's parents to pay for flowers and the rehearsal dinner, but they certainly have not acted in any traditional manner, in excluding you and your family. So I'd let them know that tradition has been disregarded by them and you intend to do likewise.
You will not be at the rehearsal, nor at the wedding, so somebody else will just have to foot the bill for those expenses.
If you have an opportunity to be with your other sons soon you could urge them not to judge their brother too harshly. One woman, however young, can drive a young man crazy when she's on a power trip, and that lady is certainly in that condition. I think she may be mentally ill and is sweeping your son in the same direction. He may wake up before the wedding!
She is feeling insecure of course, and the only way she sees to gain strength is to weaken your son. This will continue on through the marriage and things will get worse and worse. If they have children she will make sure you never see them. She is SO jealous of your good relationship with your son that she will go to any length to control him and keep you away.
All you can do is make it very clear to your son that you love him, will always love him, unconditionally. That's what mothers do. Even if he stays away from you for years, you will not stop loving him and you will be there whenever he is able to come back to you. And he will!
Either he will leave his wife, or she will leave him, or she might change for the better if she ever grows up (but don't
count on that), or they will stay together and somehow reach a compromise where she will "allow" him to be with his own family from time to time.
But there is nothing in this world that you can do about it all except make it very clear to him that no matter what happens you will not stop loving him. You could become miserable, maybe even furious, but your attitude towards him must be pity rather than anger. Whatever effect that young woman has on you, just imagine what she is doing to your son. His life with her is going to be difficult to say the least, but there's nothing that you can do about it, except be there for him when, if, it falls apart.
Yours truly
GG
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