My 19-year-old son refuses to grow up.
He does not go to school or work, nor does he look for work. He has been diagnosed with depression, but refuses to seek medical help, though he is going to talk-therapy pretty regularly. We take part in the therapy when we can afford it.
Jason has no friends or social life. He's home 24-7 (unless we push), and is not growing at all. He is very bright, and got his GED after almost zero studying.
There are no drugs, alcohol or criminal activity involved. While this is an incalculable blessing, paradoxically it's also made it difficult to find meaningful help for him.
There is no divorce or step-parent situation involved. My husband and I have been together his whole life. Jason's our only child.
All of our lives are on hold. My husband and I don't dare plan for anything but full-time parenting, but at this time we thought we'd be looking ahead to an empty nest. This situation is helping no one. Is there anything my husband and I can do to help us out of this deep freeze? The talk-therapy is working up to a point -- Jason's overall attitude is better than it was -- but it still takes a crowbar to pry him loose from the house to go on simple errands.
Thanks for any suggestions you can come up with.
One suggestion I can come up with is that it might be a medical problem. You say he is not growing. I wonder when he stopped growing. At 19 he probably has reached almost his potential size. But if it is true that he is not growing, and has not grown for a few years, you should see a doctor.
As he is depressed, he should be under a doctor's care. He might be borderline schizophrenic. There is medicine for that now which makes it possible for him to lead a normal life.
I know you can't carry him to a doctor, at his age, but if he's living in your house you should have some authority over him, even if he is an adult.
Other than dragging him to a doctor, there may be another way you could wake him up. He obviously doesn't need friends, or thinks he doesn't, and I have to assume that he is not comfortable with his peers. But still he needs to join the real world. You can't have him by your side forever.
I think he needs a challenge to discover his own worthiness, for himself. Perhaps you have not built up his sense of self worth. Maybe someone in the family has made him feel useless because he isn't going to school or out working. Somehow, this has to be turned around.
You can't throw him out of the house to fend for himself, but you could take a trip somewhere and leave him home alone with responsibility for the house while you are gone. You could then return and not badger him about everything he did wrong but point out only the things he did right. He needs to feel useful. As an only child, he has grown up with love and help and service, but has not found his own purpose. Could you now, at this late date, make him a partner in your household, asking his advice on decisions you make, and giving him responsibilities for certain necessary chores? Could you send him to the store to buy the groceries?
As for staying home all the time, I wonder what he is doing. Perhaps he has a computer. Perhaps he is actually occupied all the time doing things that you don't know anything about. If he hasn't got his own computer, get him one for himself, with unlimited time online. He might at first poke around looking at things that you wish he would leave alone, but that will pass. If he's as bright as you say he is, I'll bet he will find worthwhile pursuits on the Internet. Also, he will make friends.
Ask him to send me email and I'll give him some good ideas that I know he'll find interesting.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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