Ever since my fiance and I started dating, his mother has not liked me. I thought she seemed like a nice woman, but then my fiance' asked her if she liked me she said "I don't know her well enough to come to a decision". It's been almost three years and we will be man and wife in two months - I am at my wit's end.
When my fiance and I decided to move in together - she wouldn't help us move (she disapproved, and felt that she shouldn't be helping us do something immoral). After that, she didn't speak to us for a month. When we got engaged, she didn't say that she was happy for us - she said to me "Well, guess you said "yes", didn't you". Then later on I asked her for her half of the guest list and it was like pulling teeth. She just got married a couple years back, so all she had to do was pull it off her computer.
Then, one time, my fiance told her that we would be coming up to visit without asking me. I told him that we didn't have time, we had other things to do - that he should have asked me first. He called her back right away to say the we couldn't make it. She gave us the cold shoulder for a week.
The wedding plans have really hurt me. She doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with them. My mother keeps asking me why she doesn't participate. I don't have an answer. I can only feel like this wedding means nothing to her. In this exciting time in our lives, I am hurt that she is not the least bit interested. And I don't expect her to do cartwheels - but it would have been nice to hear a "welcome to the family" or "congratulations" when we got engaged.
Now her 19 year old daughter is pregnant - and I can't help but feel a little slighted - I mean, my fiance and I move in together and it's like the world is going to end, but her own unwed daughter gets herself pregnant and nothing is said. But I decided to make the best of it and throw a baby shower for her. I thought it would be a nice thing to do - and
help be to be part of the family (I also just like to throw parties).
BUT . . .
Yesterday was really bad. Yes, the saga of the mother-in-law continues. She is mad at me because I "left her out of the loop" in the baby shower planning. And really, I didn't mean to, it was just that so many other things are being planned besides the baby shower, that calling her to let her know what was up got pushed aside. I got really
upset, because when I came home yesterday, my fiance' started asking me 20 questions about the shower (Did I invite "so and so"? Why not?).
Then I realized that the reason he was asking me these questions was because his mom called and blew up at him because she got an invitation, and I hadn't called her yet to tell her what was going on. The problem is that I asked
him on Good Friday (cause he had off of work and I didn't) "Could you please call your mom and tell her what's up - because I am sending out the invites today" But, of course, he forgot to call her. I had also asked him on two occasions to look at the guest list and let me know if there was anyone I forgot and both times he said "looks good to me". So I just assumed that he would know just as well as his mother who I should invite.
So I had to call her yesterday to explain to her that I really had asked her son on two occasions to look over the guest list, and that I intended on updating her on the plans, and that her son was suppose to do that on Friday and he forgot. And that I probably should have checked over with her about the guest list, but I assumed that he would know just as
well as her. . .
All the while she is not saying much - and giving me one word answers. I can tell she is really mad - and I am on the
verge of tears. And then I am trying to explain to her that I didn't invite Aunt Becky because she is from Illinois and I thought that she probably wouldn't come because that is really far to drive - and that I've already invited 20 people - and I am trying to keep it small. But it's really stupid because here I am, trying to do something nice for her daughter - and I am getting ambushed because she thinks I am not doing it right. And why do I have to justify not wanting to throw a shower with more than 20 people? I am paying for it - she has no right to complain! And couldn't she be
a little more understanding that her daughter's baby shower is not the only thing that is going on right now - and that I might have pushed that aside for a couple of days because there are a million other things to do?
What I want to know is why I have the mother-in-law from HELL, and what did I do to make her hate me so much??!!! At least I got some reassurance from my fiance' that I didn't do anything wrong - and one of the reason's why she was so mad when I talked to her is because he gave her a earful about it and he hung up on her a couple of times. You know, I thought I would be claiming victory about this - but nothing about it feels good in any way.
Later that night I said to my fiance' "I hate your mother" and he said, "That's fine, you don't have to try to be her friend" and I said "I don't want to be her friend, I just want her to like me" and he said "Don't try to make her like you either."
I suppose this is a somewhat happy ending because I have the support of my fiance' but it still feels awful. Is there anything I can do?
Yes. There is something you can do. First, listen to your husband-to-be and know that you don't have to be pals with his mother. He will love you and in a marriage that's what counts most.
You are placing far too much importance on her tone of voice, one-word answers, expression, and little outbursts when things don't go her way. She is just a human being like you are and can't help herself when she thinks she is being slighted. She's used to being top person in the scheme of things. She might never accept that you are number one in her son's life.
As for making much of your wedding, I think your mother in law is of the old fashioned type who used to think that first you get married and then you live together. She wasn't too excited about you moving in together - in the back of her mind she probably disapproved. In those days when people didn't sleep together until after the wedding, the whole ceremony took on a different kind of importance. It was a total change of life for the virgin coming to a man for the first time. You can't imagine how much different that was from today's marriages which are just great social events to announce that you plan to stay together officially.
Well, there is a great difference, whether you can recognize it or not. And people like your mother in law are in between the two cultures. It is not easy for her to accept the situation as it is today. Just realize that things are a lot harder for her to accept than they are for you.
Writing this long, long letter, all about your arguments and how hard she is making your life is a great idea. Writing it all down gets it somewhere concrete where you can actually read it and think about it and come to some sensible conclusion about it. The sensible conclusion that I hope you're coming to is that you shouldn't let it bother you so much.
In a very few years you will find yourself in her position. You will have a son who has decided to get married. I hope you will remember how easy it is to fall out with that young woman. I hope you will remember how much trouble it makes for the son, when his mother and his wife don't get along.
You could start right now by trying to think ahead of what the things are that will make your mother in law happy. Tell her what's going on. Take her into your confidence. Don't be too busy to give her the time she needs to feel a part of your plans. And for goodness sake don't feel left out when she doesn't include you in her plans. In other words, you can be nicer to her than she is to you. Play it as a game. You win when you exceed her in courtesy.
Giving the party for her daughter is a lovely gesture but don't turn it into a fight. Do it lovingly. One way to be sure you are being polite to people you might really feel anger for, is to pretend you are on a stage with the audience watching you. Even if you're all alone with your mother in law, pretend the world is watching you. Act beautiful and friendly and work at it until you have finally got her to act her part too.
Tell your husband you are playing that game and he'll find it interesting, and he'll love you for it.
My dear, please try to get on a friendly basis with her before you start having children because then it is even more
important. And if you can't get things right now, they might be wrong forever.
There is absolutely nothing in the world you can do to change your mother in law. But you CAN change yourself. Do it now. Relax around her. Don't notice anything she does that annoys you. Bite your tongue. Smile and say something kind. And if she says you have angered her, apologize. It's not weak to apologize, it's strong. Be strong and be happy.
And you'll have a happy wedding.
Truly yours,
GG
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