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Granny's Advice

By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
Dear Great Granny.

I have become a grandmother but I live one hour away from my daughter and her in-laws live only 15 minutes away. I get so jealous because I don't get to see my grandson too often and my daughter calls me up and tells me they did this with the in-laws, and that with the in-laws, and I don't know how to handle this.

This is all new to me. Can you help me?

Dear new grandmother,

No, I'm sorry, I can't help you but you can certainly help yourself. In the first place, being jealous of another person is totally useless. You don't know their entire circumstances and if you did you might pity them, and you would probably find that they are also jealous of you.

Forget your daughter's in-laws. There is no way in the world that any two situations should be compared. If they live close by, and see their grandson often, that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I'm glad your daughter phones you and keeps you informed about the goings and comings and all the things she is doing. That's wonderful. Be thankful that she keeps in touch that way. When you do go to visit them, or if they come to visit you, don't ever mention the in-laws. That's a whole different side of the family. You should just concentrate on the joy you have when you are with your new little grandson.

Make sure that your daughter and her husband and their child are welcome and comfortable when they are with you. Don't ever criticize their way of doing things. Be a happy person, not a jealous person. One short visit once in a long while is great. Don't expect to become a regular part of that little family because that only leads to problems.

Now that your daughter has a child of her own you have to be prepared to be less and less a part of her life. Start right now to develop other interests that have nothing to do with your children or grandchildren.

Find new friends. They will never replace your daughter, but you have to do things that interest you so you won't keep expecting your daughter and her new baby to fill your life.

I'm not asking you to forget your daughter and this wonderful new little grandson you have, but just don't expect them to divide up their time in some sort of a way that you and those in-laws will have "equal time" with them. That is unrealistic. It's impossible. It's actually silly. And the last time I used that word the people were insulted, but I'm not saying that YOU are silly, I'm just saying that expecting equal time with that poor dear little baby is silly.

Nobody is comparing you with the other grandmother, and nobody should. You are not like two horses in a race. You are individual people with very different lives. If your daughter is getting along well with her mother-in-law, thank your lucky stars because there are millions of young married women whose lives are made miserable because they can't get along with the parents of their husbands.

You have raised your daughter beautifully. That's why she can now enjoy her in-laws. Congratulations.

Truly yours,
GG


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