My mother inlaw has gone too far again. She insists on getting her own way all the time.
We have been married 14 years and our families attend the younger siblings weddings. She was invited to my brother's wedding.The wedding was at 1:00. She shows up at our house at 10:45. We are busy trying to get 3 kids out the door. We needed to be there early for pictures. I had spoken with her on the phone and told her it would be best if she picked up something at our house after the wedding. She always has to make the plan. She knew the way to the wedding, she had no reason to be so early.
Later she refused to give me my baby before the ceremony started. I wanted to hold her to keep her quiet. I had to demand and grab the baby from her. She then insisted on how I should sit the baby's highchair and rearrange chairs "her way". I say, "no, I've got it" and she gets ticked.
I have been a mother for 13 years and can figure things out on my own. She then started pressing me about when I was going to look for a new job. My husband and I chose for me to stay home with our baby. She refuses this. She feels that all her daughter-in-laws should work. I told her that my husband prefers I stay home for now. She still needs to pressure me about it. This is at my brother's wedding!!!
I leave our table (my husband, was at the wedding party table) at the reception to speak with my sister and cousin and my MIL decides to get up and leave in the middle of the reception without saying goodbye. Not even to the children! My husband and I had to run to catch her. Then she asked us if we were coming to his sister's wedding. We knew nothing about it. Then she goes further to ask us what we want from their house because they are doing a will. This is all happening at my brother's wedding, and we are about to miss the cutting of the cake.
She is so rude all the time.Other times they drive 2 hours and visit for as short as 15 minutes. I am a very hospitable person. I go above and beyond to make my home comfortable for my MIL and my husband's dad. How can I make her stop??? She is a domineering person, but we are all pulling away and talking behind her back. I am sick of the tension.
Her daughter is just like her. She acts the same way towards all her sister-in-laws. I am good to her. I write and am good about gifts, card, etc....I really try. She also told my other sister in laws that I "tricked" my husband into marriage. I miscarried terrible the week before our wedding. It was not confirmed till after our wedding. I was young and no one would listen.
My husband knows she is spreading lies, but it still hurts me. Everyone was aware I was bleeding heavily.I hid nothing. I feel I should confront her about it. I have stood up to her many times. I always pay a price for it. My husband is sick of her too. So are our older two kids. What can we do?
Well, one thing you can do is be happy that when she comes to visit she only stays 15 minutes. That's a blessing. And another thing you could do is, when she gets up to leave, at weddings or any other occasions, don't run after her and ask her to stay.
Aside from these obvious things, you might try to get a grip on your anger and look at things from her point of view. If she really wants you to go to work and not stay home with the children, just tell her one more time that you and your husband have made your own decision about that and when the time seems right you might take an outside job, but for now your job is in your home. Then, pretend you don't hear if she brings it up again.
If she is rude it is because she doesn't know how to be polite. Never sink to her level. Always maintain your own high
standards, and remember them for a long, long time, way along, years from now when your own children are married and you will want to be the best possible, non-interfering mother in law yourself.
Stand tall and try very hard to ignore all the petty things she does, such as wanting to hold your baby. She probably thinks of her as HER baby too. There's no point in fighting her on this point. Just try to overlook it. If she acts mean or childish, tell your Mother-in-law that she upsets you when she acts that way and then forget it; just as you do with the children.
Although you've been a mother all those years, and have probably learned how to cope with your husband and your children, it's a terrible shame that you haven't learned some way to cope with your Mother-in-law as well. She has been there, doing the same sort of things, from the very beginning - in fact, probably since even before you were married. I wish you could have made peace with her by now, but since that hasn't happened, it's never too late to try.
The silly discussion about what happened previous to your marriage should be dropped right out of everyone's memory. Who cares? You certainly shouldn't. One can only feel sorry for those who still think it matters.
It's too bad you had to miss the cutting of the cake to listen to your Mother-in-law's questions about what you would like her to give you in her will, but really now, that doesn't seem so terrible to me. And that you had to hear from her that her daughter was going to be married, I don't see what's so terrible about that. Would you be surprised if your own daughter chose to tell you first, of such an event?
It is quite possible that your Mother-in-law is not trying to be mean at all. She MIGHT just not be very good at social graces. Maybe she means well but every time she tries to say something it comes out wrong, then it's too late and she has to keep trying to get herself out of jams. Being a Mother-in-law is the most difficult role to play in the entire family group. Nothing is harder, even for well-meaning people who want to be doing the right thing. It is very hard.
Give her the benefit of the doubt every time. Try to understand her situation. Try to see that she probably still needs to feel she is the head of the family and that she still has influence, even though she knows that she has no influence. By falling over yourself in an attempt to give her a feeling of power in the family group, you will be saving yourself a lot of grief. Play it like a game. See how you can build her own self esteem by making her feel some strength.
You say your husband and the older children are fed up with her and I hope you can turn this around and make them understand that even if she has plenty of annoying habits and drives them all crazy, she IS the grandmother and loves them (even if she doesn't know how to show it).
You can't make them love her but you can certainly help them see the best in her. Living out their entire lives hating her would be a terrible waste. Look for the best in her and make them all see it too.
Those are my suggestions.
Having written down the details of some of her most annoying traits was a good idea. I hope you got some of your anger out of your system. Whenever you get feeling angry again, do the same. Write it all out. Then, make up your mind that she is not going to change but that you can. And by changing your own behaviour towards her, that
might well change her for the better. Try and see.
Truly yours,
GG
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