I have had custody of my 12 year old daughter since she was 6 years old. Her mother and I were never married. I need some advice on helping her to deal with her mother's inconsistent presence in her life.
The mother goes weeks at a time without contacting our child-even though she lives less than 10 miles from us. She misses regularly scheduled visitation periods as well. She has made several moves over the years without contacting us until well after the fact. To make matters worse, my daughter has half-siblings she hardly ever sees, and quite frankly, worries about due to the lifestyle that their mother has led.
She loves her mother and my wife and I encourage that, but are so sad to see this child continually left hanging while her mother goes about her business without a thought to what her actions are doing to all her children.
Talking to her mother does nothing, as she insists the child is a "big girl" and "will just have to understand that she's got her own problems right now". I could be more sympathetic if this were a one time situation, but it's been six years of the same stuff. How can we help with the terrible disappointment and hurt feelings?
Thank you kindly for your time.
Your task is to be mother and father for your daughter and provide her with all the special attention that a young girl
needs, especially as she enters her teens.
If we could turn back the clock and behave differently, wouldn't that be a simple way out of all our problems; but, alas, things just don't work that way. When this daughter was born I suppose you hoped you could provide a family for her. Now you do have a family, but for some reason this little girl doesn't feel totally secure there. You should include her in special things that you and your wife do, letting her in on the adult world and making it very clear that, as a young woman, she is an integral and important part of the family.
Dwelling on the uneven lifestyle of her biological mother achieves nothing but misery. Your daughter loves her, and that's great, but she can't go on expecting the impossible. That mother should be viewed as an interesting character in the drama of your life but should not be looked to for anything but interesting, and rare, visits.
Fill your daughter's life with matters that concern your family, where she lives, and don't dwell on her mother's frailties. Don't even discuss them. If the topic comes up and somebody is saying critical things about that woman, change the subject right away.
I'm not suggesting that you should forget her entirely, but just don't let her become a heroic martyr, or a victim of gossip. She is a person you once were fond of and an important person in your daughter's life, but not a role model, and certainly not to become the butt of constant complaints. Just let her be and move along in other directions.
Your present wife should become that 12 year old's mentor so she will have somebody to confide in. As for the half siblings, they have their own life which is not the responsibility of your daughter. Wait until they are all a bit older and if they want to get together then, so be it. But at present it will only cause hurt and sorrow, because some of them are well looked after and others are neglected. If it's a serious case of neglect, you can resort to the Children's Aid Society, but I expect things aren't that bad. Your sensitive little girl just feels bad because she sees things that worry her.
All the more reason to keep her with you as much as possible and fill her life with all the nice things that should be going on in a young girl's life. Show her that you recognize how pretty she is. Take her places alone with you. Treat her like a lady.
If her mother were making a nuisance of herself, interfering with your family, that would ba another problem. But as things are I think your best direction is to make life without her as pleasant as possible for your little girl.
Good luck,
GG
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