We have two sons. Our first Son married 2 years ago. We didn't really discuss how we were to be addressed, just basically asked our son and he said that he would be uncomfortable calling his in laws anything but by their first name, and that we are his only Mom and Dad. So first name was accepted.
I did have to call my Mother in law "Mother (surname)." My mother told my husband that she didn't care and was happy with the first name (She was going through the death of her father and husband and that was the least of her concerns and I was the first to get married.)
Our second Son married recently and his in laws told him that he was to address them as Mom and Pop. We talked to our Daughter in law and asked what she wanted to call us and she said that she would love to call us Mom and Dad.
So a month after our second son's wedding we sat down with our first son and his wife and told them that our second Son and his Wife were going to address us as Mom and Dad and that we wanted our first Daughter in law to know that we would feel honored if she wanted to call us that too...........No response. We also brought up the fact that when we receive a card or present to us from our Son and Daughter in law we would appreciate it if it was to Mom and Dad not to us by name. (After all we'll always be his Mom and Dad)
A week later Daughter in law 1 called and said that she was calling even though our Son advised her not to. She stated that she couldn't address us that way now, but, who knows what is in the future. We had what I felt was a nice conversation, I thanked her for calling and told her that our relationship was most important and that I just didn't want her to feel not included or less important, because to someone on the outside they might think due to the way that we were being addressed there was favoritism.
Along comes Christmas and my husband and I receive our presents at the family gathering. No tag on my husband's. On mine it was to (first name) from (first names)! I felt bad and when we were saying our Good-byes, off in a corner away from everyone, I hugged Daughter in law 1, and thanked her for the gift and said "Don't Forget I am still (husband/son's) Mom." She looked at me puzzled and then I said, "The name tag was to me by name." Then she erupted, "Your son did not participate and I wrapped all the gifts!"
Things have been strained ever since. It was brought up to another relative by our Daughter in law 1 that it was about not being called Mom and Dad!
We feel so bad. Our other Daughter in law was raised very similar in manners and with a big extendend family as with our family. So there was little adjustment. Our first Daughter in law and her family have little to do with their relatives plus not having spoken to Grandparents in 20 years that live 15 miles away! So we understand that this is a very
big adjustment. So there is some info you need to understand.
What is the best way for us to be addressed?
Part of me feels that it should be the elders decision and when our children become in laws they can decide how they want to be addressed. But I feel bad that we didn't put as much thought into the terminology the first time.
Our family has always been very, very close and we are very sad and frustrated. We will accept whatever Daughter in law 1 wants to call us. All we want is respect. We give titles to Grandparents, Aunt & Uncles. Shouldn't in-laws be given some sort of name that sets them apart too?
Concerned.
There's nothing disrespectful about being called by your first name. You are attributing entirely too much importance to such an insignificant matter. In the grand scheme of things, it's far more important what they say, whether they love you, and whether they love and look after eachother, than the name they choose to use when they address you.
If you were the Queen of England (and Canada) I suppose you could demand that they call you Ma'am, which is what we're told we should say to Her Majesty. (I actually met her once and just said "good evening" and nobody shot me or even looked askance. Her husband, Prince Philip, had asked me how I was and I called him "Philip" and got away with it. So why shouldn't your daughters in law get away with calling you by name?)
I know, my Queen story has nothing to do with your problem, but I just had to tell you about the incident because it amused me, and I hope it amuses you. The moral of it all is that you really don't have to be called anything special to be who you are. They love you. They brought you a Christmas present. Do they also have to use preordained words to address you? Surely not. Putting words into their mouths that are unnatural makes the whole relationship unnatural. You are Mom and Dad to your sons but you could be anything that comes naturally to their wives.
Purely incidentally, because one person's experience has no bearing on others, I called both my mother-in-law and my own mother "Mother" and there was no confusion because they lived hundreds of miles apart, in two different countries in fact. And my own children's spouses call me many different things and I couldn't care less. They are all adults and I'd never consider for a minute trying to tell them what to say, or not to say.
To expect two sons, and their two wives, to all address you in a similar manner is unrealistic. As soon as there are
grandchildren, they will all be calling you Granny anyway, so in the meantime what difference does it make?
Telling them to say "Mother (surname)" or whatever, is putting words in their mouths that don't come naturally. Leaving it up to each in their own way is the best advice I can give. Take those young ladies as they are and don't try to change them.
Truly yours,
GG
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