I have been seeing a woman for the past several months. Her marriage was failing when we first met. Her ex had a drug problem and was verbally abusive. There were other things too personal to mention that turn my stomach. I've been divorced for three years.
We talked and became friends. Helping each other with our problems. As time went on we fell in love. She was recently legally seperated. She's told her parents about me.
We decided to spend a weekend away with her three kids. And are soon planning a time when we can all get together with my two kids joining in. But now her parents have stopped talking to her. They say it is too soon for her to be seeing someone after her seperation. Unfortunately for us...they don't know any of the details as to why their daughter left her ex. She kept it hidden out of embarrassment.
So now she is upset that her parents will not talk to her if she continues to see me. I've told her to try to talk to them. She says she can't. We love each other and want to start a new life with our big family.
What should she say to her parents?. We're in our thirties and feel it's time to live our own lives. Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks for your time.
You are adults. Whereas a person's children are always important, there is a time for getting involved and there is a time for standing byand letting things take their course.
If your lady friend could confide in her mother about the real reason she left her husband it might be easier. But even if she knew all the details, your future mother-in-law will harbour a hope that her daughter might get back with the father of her children. There are so many factors in the situation. We always like things to be orderly, and that means fathers and mothers and their children staying together. It's very hard on everyone who loves you when this familiar pattern is messed up.
All the children, yours and hers, and any new ones you might have together, will be affected by the new arrangement and the parents of the lady you intend to live with know this. They can foresee all sorts of complications and are just wishing the risks could be avoided.
Nevertheless, you can't put your life on hold waiting for them to get used to reality. If it troubles you and your friend that she can't talk with her parents, that's just going to be a part of the new arrangement. You have to make choices. If paramount in your lives is the privilege of talking with her parents, then stay apart. If you can live with the notion that for a while at least you'll have to forego that pleasure, then go ahead and set up your new household, with marriage as the end in view.
I guess you can't have eachother AND her parents. So choose. If you are able to put together a good family life for the
children, and demonstrate your love for eachother in such a way that your new family is happy, healthy, and non-confrontational, I expect her parents will eventually see that it's best for her and will accept you and the whole idea.
If, on the other hand, your new arrangement turns out to be a sad affair with bickering parents, complaining kids and everyone feeling guilty because her parents won't speak to them any more, then it isn't worth even trying.
You'll have to make up to her for the lack of her parents' attention. Accustomed to having her mother to talk things over
with, now she will depend entirely on you. That's a difficult role for you to play, but it will now be yours.
She wants to talk with her mother but she has not told her mother the details of her previous marriage, so if she starts
now it will seem like just an excuse to move in with you. I don't blame her for not having told her mother all about the bad stuff she had to put up with, and in fact I think she should just leave things as they are. That's all private and best left unspoken.
The silent treatment from her mother might just be a last ditch effort to make her hang in there in hopes of getting her old marriage back. Don't blame the mother. That's just the way mothers are. But also, don't let that delay your own need to get things going on an even keel.
When it's all over, everyone will be better off. If her mother is really sick about the whole thing, you could have a private talk with her father and ask him if he could possibly provide something interesting for his wife to do while she feels estranged from the daughter. Old folks need to have a life of their own. It is not healthy for them to be living the lives of their children.
I guess what I'm saying here is for you two to go on and do your thing, live your lives, and aside from being courteous and loving towards her parents, don't let them rain on your parade.
Truly yours,
GG
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