I am a woman of many family woes at this time in my life. But this one tops them all. I am and having been going through hell for 3 years with my teenaged son. I know that is not uncommon but my situation is very mixed up.
I am re-married to a great man and have two children by him. My previous marriage was miserable and brief although I had two beautiful children by the man. My older children are now 17 and 15. I raised these children on my own from the time they were 3 & 1until I re-married when they were 6 & 8. They were very doted on and loved by me and the families. My son always had a little spark to him but nothing that couldn't be handled until at the age of 14 he decided he didn't like the rules we had laid down for him, wanted to try living with his father. I knew I couldn't keep him from his dad and had no idea at the time that his father had a serious drug problem and was on the verge of losing his good paying job.
I thought that because his father worked shift work that my son would be forced to take on a whole lot more responsibility for himself; whereas, I would do everything for the children at home. I thought he would miss having clean clothes, food on the table every day and living in a clean smoke free home and would get sick of it and come home. I honoured the kids' wishes to let him try a life living with his father thinking it would only be a respite for us all. I was heart broken. I missed him and I was constantly checking up on him by calling and inviting him home for
supper etc.
I would find out months after the fact from his school about absences and bad behaviour as he had removed my name as the contact parent. His father didn't have the gumption to call me and discuss anything. This was disturbing me terribly but nothing compared to the catastrophe that happened later on. His father went into a clinic for treatment and my son instead of coming home to me chose to stay with one of his fathers relatives who he was working with through
the summer anyway.
While at his fathers home where he was forbidden to be, he and two pals were hanging out and during some terribly dangerous childs play my son injured one of his friends accidentally but seriously. He was charged with a crime and spent 6 months in a juvenille facility. Not to mention the fact that the injured boy and his parents are sueing everyone and their dogs for the mishap, our lives became turmoil. During the year between the accident and his incarceration my son became a messed up boy and dabbled in drug use.
I continued to try to be involved in his life in whatever capacity he would let me but his father rarely paid the bills and the telephone was constantly cut off. I had begged his father to bring him to councelling but my son refused and unfortunately there is nothing that can be done if the child refuses. My attempts to visit him in person only ended in
him not being home at the time or that is what I was told anyway. His
father would lie for him when he wasn't home by his curfew time.
I believe that the child had become so messed up, he was ashamed for me to see him the way he was and kept me at bay. It was only after he was in the juvenille facility that I learned the extent of his drug use. I tried my hardest with the help of the staff in the facility to develop a trusting relationship with him. He knows I love him and I only want
what is best for him and before long he was opening up to me with things that he had gotten up to since living with his father and I tried not to show shock and horror so that he would continue trusting me. His father has become an awful messed up man and needless to say his time in rehab clinic did nothing. He voluntarily quit his job and went on
welfare. He was at one time quite loving towards both of his children but the younger of the two has chosen to have no relationship whatsoever with him since. He really doesn't seem concerned either.
Why does my son not see what drugs will do to a person. His own father is living proof. Once my son was released from custody where I visited him often and regularly, his father visited him only twice in 6 months, I was hopeful that he would come back home. On the day of his release he chose to go back to his fathers place but promised me he would be more involved in our family's life and would stay in school and work initiative programs. He did so for a couple of weeks. I called him in the mornings and offered him rides to school, when I could get an answer that was.
He got mad at me and told me to stop checking up on him. So I backed off. I still invited him over regularly. He has since been back in custody for breaking his probation, for various offences, and I can not bring myself to attend each and every court session with him. I am embarrassed and ashamed. He is now facing another stint in a juvenille facility and I am glad because at least he is away from the man he calls Dad. I plan on doing the same thing as last time while he is in there and am hoping that now he is a few years older that he will be mature enough to realize that the last 3 years of his life were a nightmare and it is time to wake up and staighten out.
I don't understand what respect he could possibly have for his father, but he continues to want to live with him. He has had all kinds of psychological tests done and he isn't mentally ill or anything like that. He has so many good qualities, he is an intelligent, strapping young man with the face of an overgrown angel. I love him dearly and
just want him to staighten out.
I can't help thinking that I am asking for trouble in wanting him to come home and live with us again. Especially the fact that we also have an 8 year old and a 3 year old, who know absolutely nothing of any of this mess just that their big
brother doesn't live with them. They love him and look up to him and are very impressionable. My husband says he deserves another chance to try. But if he does come home he will have to abide by not only his probation rules but also our home rules which is why he wanted out in the first place.
I am desperate to find the right answers. The staff at the juvenille facility had told me that I can only do so much
but I want to do more I just don't know what that is.
Help, please.
A gray haired, broken hearted mom.
You ARE doing the right thing. You are standing by your son, even though you don't understand what motivates him.
You know you're not alone. This world is full of desperate mothers who really can't understand why their children do what they do. You can blame the bad influence of his Dad, but it's also possible that whatever made your first husband fall into that way of life is also plaguing his son. We all have our problems.
I think he has a strong need to be with his father and even though he must know the man is not living the right kind of
life, he IS the boy's "Dad".. That says it all. He is probably sorry for his Dad. He probably thinks it's in some way his duty to stick by his Dad. And all the stupid things he has done to get into trouble with the law are due to living under the influence of that disturbed person.
Your present husband seems to me to be a great person who wants to give the boy another chance. There will need to be lots of other chances because even if he comes home and does well for a while, he will backslide for sure. Then you'll just go on being his loving mother with your unconditional love, as always. It's terrible that this is tearing you up so badly.
Wouldn't it be great if you could continue doing everything you can for him, and hoping and praying that he will straighten up, and at the same time go along with your other activities worry-free. Wouldn't it be wonderful if thoughts and worries about that one wayward son wouldn't plague your dreams and keep you awake at night. But that's not realistic, is it!
I can see only one little place where you might alter your course, that could make a difference. You have mentioned twice in your letter that you have house rules to which he objects. What kind of a sacrifice would it be for you to remove those rules and let this boy live his own life as he wants to, within your home?
Does he have chores that must be done at specific times? Could the family manage without his help? Could you leave it up to him to decide how and when, if ever, he wants to help out?
Do you impose a timeline on him? Would you be able to enjoy his presence in the house at his own pace? Could he sleep in when he wanted to, and could he stay out as late as he wished? Would you be able to just go to bed and assume that he will turn up eventually?
Are there rules about his friends? Would you rather let him have his friends visit him in your home, rather than always going out to their homes or public places? I suppose he is smoking and I know he's doing drugs, and you can certainly expect him to do those things elsewhere, but as he matures he will, hopefully, get more fruitful things to do with his money and time.
Drugs are beyond my comprehension - I just assume that people either keep on with them until they die, or they come to their senses, and live. As for smoking, I'm told I don't understand because I never smoked. But never smoking was a choice I made. Everyone has that choice.
Your son, who is not a child but a young man, will have to go through the difficulties of quitting smoking. As for the drugs, he'll have that battle too. But if he does ever come back to your home I hope that you'll be able to make every possible concession to his need to be his own person. Otherwise he won't stay and being with you may be his only hope for salvation.
I hope he has some impelling creative interests that will carry him through the next few years. Maybe if you talk with the guidance officer at his school something might turn up. Music, art, sports, mentoring younger children, mechanics, gardening, woodworking, cooking, writing, maybe even poetry - to name a few. Playing a horn in a band or working on a motor can do wonders to get a person's mind off his problems and on to something worthwhile.
If he has a hobby that can be carried out in your own home, that would be even better.
Of course, I know he isn't there yet. So all you can do is continue to make him know you are always there for him. And if he does get back under your roof, try your very best to make him know that it HIS roof too.
All my best,
GG
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