I'm in a bit of a predicament. I've finally realised that I've fallen out of love with my husband of four-and-a-half years. I love him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. We've been arguing a lot over the years, and I've finally realised that I don't
deserve to be spoken to in the way he speaks to me when he's angry.
We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and I keep asking my husband if he would like her future husband to speak to her in that manner - it hasn't sunk in.
We had a big argument recently where I had a cigarette and told his friends not to tell him. He was there, and heard me, and then kicked me out of the house. I stayed for four days with my parents while he looked after our daughter (not my choice!).
In the past when we've had a big argument, he has either told me to leave or that he'll leave, and called me some horrible names, and each time I've put the guilt-trip on him and begged him to change his mind (silly hey?). Well the last argument was the first time that I've actually not begged him to change his mind. I know I don't deserve to be treated like that!
We got together after the four days of separation (our first separation ever!) and talked about what it is that was the
problem. We both agreed to change a few things about ourselves, and I moved back in the next day.
He has since been very attentive, but I can't respond to him. I really don't feel anything for him, although I really want to. He doesn't want me to leave, and I've given him no direct indication otherwise.
How do I work out what my feelings are? Will I fall back in love with him? How do I do that? I know he's really trying, but I can't find it in myself to do the same.
PLEASE HELP!
Totally confused
Tough it out. Stay the course. No marriage is perfect. Life is full of problems that we either solve or buckle under. You loved him once and I think you still do; you're just expecting everything to be as it was when you first met and fell in love. It will never be like that again - well - probably never.
Some day, after you have gone through the years and years of raising a family, and have survived many difficulties together, and the children have gone on into their own lives as adults, and you and your husband find you can afford the time to do things together again, then, perhaps you'll be among the lucky ones who fall in love all over again.
Meanwhile, you have to get along with this man. You owe it to yourself because you might never find anyone more perfect than he is. And you owe it to him because he loves you and wants you to be with him. And you owe it to your child most of all.
If your husband is trying to persuade you to stop smoking he is doing a great thing. If you are secretly defying him and trying to get his friends to help you in the deception, you are looking for the trouble that you found.
You owe it to yourself, to him, and to your child, to quit smoking so just do it. You could go and buy some of those
gadgets that are supposed to help you quit, or you could just throw out the cigarettes and take up knitting to occupy your hands when you feel nervous.
But I know that the smoking episode isn't at the center of your wondering about still being in love. I think you should not expect too much but take it on faith that he is trying to be nice to you.
Writing to me was a great idea because you have now put down your problems and can read them over yourself. Probably what I have written here is exactly what you would have said, if someone else had put this problem to you.
It's common sense to keep working towards making your marriage better. Don't let his harsh words throw you for a loop. Try to absorb his anger and then change the subject. And please stop smoking -
Truly yours,
GG
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