I am 47 years old and a grandmother for the first time. My son 23, has a baby with his girlfriend which I have to admit at the beginning hurt me to know this. Now my grandson (14 months old) is so special to me. I love him dearly. I try to discipline him when he comes over so that when he goes out, he behaves himself. I know he is young, but when my children were that age, I disciplined them and they always behaved themselves when we went out. All I had to do was look at them and they would know that they are doing something wrong. I would like my grandson to grow up the same.
My grandson knows how to pull his strings because if I discipline him by telling him no or by turning him in another direction to distract him, he will go to get comfort from someone else. He will stop and come do it again.
One day my son and I had a yelling match because of something that I wanted my son to do. He just got very upset with me and started saying things to me, one of which was never to touch his son again. Turned around dressed the baby and left. Came back a little while later and apologized, but I am still hurting and my heart feels like it has been shattered in a billion pieces. My husband stood back and didn't even say a word while my son talked to me the way
he did. The next day my husband leaves for work and still didn't speak to me. I really expected him to support me with what was going on.
This goes on a lot. I cried myself to sleep. Got up the next morning, still feeling as bad.
My younger son is 15 years old and always stands by me. He is so very different than my older son.
You are learning the hard way how to be a grandmother. I'm sorry you had that sleepless night, and that you feel so terrible about the confrontation with your son, but you have learned something important from it all.
To be at ease with your children and their children, now that there are three generations in your family, you must learn that it is not your responsibility to discipline the grandchildren. Do you really believe that you know the best and that you raised perfect children, with your own methods? Even if that were true, you have absolutely no right in the world to interfere in any way with how your grandchildren are being raised.
Your method includes making them feel that they have done wrong when you glance at them. Your method includes yelling matches. Your method caused your son to take his child and leave. Your method includes comparing your youngest son with his older brother. Your method also causes your husband to leave for work without speaking to you. I think it's time you realized that your method might just not be the best, and let your son raise his child whichever way he feels is best.
I'm not suggesting that everything you have done is wrong, but none of us starts out with all the answers. We do our very best with our own children and that's that. We don't have a second chance because the next generation of children will be raised by the next generation of parents, and those are our own children.
Usually, if we've managed somehow to raise them decently, they will go ahead and do as well or better with THEIR children, but that's not for us to judge. As grandparents our job is just to watch the new generation grow up and love them, and help them only if they ask for help. We also go on loving their parents, who were our own dear babies. And also, as grandparents, we owe it to ourselves and everyone else to get going with our own lives and do some interesting things that don't involve all those children, grandchildren and their problems.
Having a life of your own, and sharing new and wonderful adventures with your husband, can give you the most exciting times you'll ever enjoy. Don't be one of those grandparents who tries to live the lives of the future generations. Be your own person and let your son and his girl friend, and their baby, and all the future ones, be themselves too.
The last thing in the world that you should be getting involved in right now is trying to discipline somebody else's child. That's futile. It doesn't do anybody any good. That baby is going to be a fine person that you will be proud to know, so don't try to make him yours. He actually belongs to nobody but himself. His own parents are responsible for him until he can take care of himself. That's their job, not yours.
Look at him, and at your son, as great friends. Take them as they are. Love them, as you say you do. But for goodness sake don't try to change them. The only person you can ever change is yourself, and if you will concentrate on being a nice, friendly, hands-OFF grandmother, you'll be doing everyone a favour. You'll sleep better at night, and I'll bet your husband won't go to work without speaking to you any more.
Truly yours,
GG
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