My older sister, nearly 37 and single, still thinks of herself as an adolescent that needs to be looked after by our
parents. She has never really managed to get to grips with the outside world - and needs my parents to sort out everything for her. She doesn't go out socialising (thinks she's overweight, which she's not) and spends every
available moment with our parents -goes on holiday with them , out for meals and basically they have no life.
This would'nt be so bad if she was actually nice to them but the majority of the time she really upsets them - they
can't eat what they want (she's a vegetarian and goes berserk if they eat meat) - if they do something without her there's all hell to pay and she has a very unhealthy attitude toward sex -if they have a lie-in she says the most
appaling things to my mum and gets away with it. My Dad is no pushover and eventually he explodes so most of the time she's upsetting my mum. As she's never really had a relationship all her energy is focused on animals and if
she sees a stray animal or dead animal in the road , she stresses everyone out by going on about what a bad world it is. She actually hates life and can't cope with the outside world - she has a lovely cottage , good health and has had everything provided for her and more, but yet she has such a negative attitude towards life and a negative personality
- I don't know where she gets it from.
Because I'm married she thinks that Mum and Dad are hers and hers alone now that I've flown the nest. We all
live quite close to each other and until recently, she had been living with our parents but we thought she might be more independent and get a life of her own if she had a home of her own , but she just drops in on them every day and
wants to know where they've been and why she wasn't invited .
I've had to remain silent throughout all this behaviour as my mum doesn't want a backlash and she gets in a foul temper if she thinks my mum has spoken to me about it. The thing is I'm informed of all her comments nearly
every day and have so much anger inside of me because of how she treats my parents. I've told my Mum that the fact that they do every thing for her and let her get away with things is not helping her, and my mum just says she feels
sorry for her and you can't turn away your daughter. The thing is once my mum has told me what she's said or the fact she's going on holiday with them again!!! -I dwell on it all day and it's beginning to rule my life - then the next day
when my mum phones me she's forgotten all about it and given in once again but I'm still seething with rage- I'm beginning to hate her for being so manipulative and she always ends up having everyone's support no matter how
in the wrong she is, they all feel sorry for her, but why?
If I even try and speak to her I don't get past the first sentence without 'It's alright for you , you're married, I have no one to go out with' and then she turns into a rage -she has friends of her own age but has refused to go out with them so many times they've given up asking. She really is such a complex person with such a wierd personality I wonder should I just accept that this is the way it will always be - help.
Very frustrated.
You have done the very best thing you could do about your frustration; you have written it all down. There's nothing like writing it all down to get things sorted out in your mind.
Having explained the whole sad situation, you finally came up with the obvious solution. Not obvious at first, that's clear, but after the facts were all down in black and white, it came to you. Your best way to cope with this situation is to accept that this is the way it is always going to be.
Of course, you might be surprised some day. Your sister might get a new interest and abandon your parents as her only source of sociability. Then your mother will probably miss her and you might find that you will be called on to fill in the gap. But that's not your problem just now. All you have to do now is be there for your mother so she will have a sympathetic ear for her own perceived troubles.
I don't suppose your mother is asking your advice about how to avoid your sister; probably she just enjoys telling you all about it because she needs to hear how sorry for her you are. Whether or not it really upsets her is not the point here, the main thing is that it gets your attention.
Your mother needs you for this, and maybe she also needs your sister as well. As for your father, I guess he's learned to live with the situation and listening to his wife complain about their older daughter is just part of his life. Maybe it just goes on and on and he ignores it because he's so accustomed to it.
You could do the same. Just let your mother tell you whatever she wants to about your sister and then change the subject and try to find something more upliftingh to discuss. If your mother really wants to go to dinner, or on a holiday, without your sister, all she has to do is go ahead, and tell her daughter that she and your father are going alone this time. Your sister might have a bit of a tantrum about it, but at least she has her own home now to go and sulk in.
Meanwhile, your sister might be in need of help. Is there a community center or volunteer group that you could do a little research about and find someone to invite her to join? She would definitely benefit from an interest beyond her parents. If she thinks she is overweight, then probably she is. Maybe you don't think she's fat, but if she weighs more than she wants to, then in her mind she IS overweight. I wish you could encourage her to join some sort of weight watching organization, or a gym, or the YWCA, because she would find new friends there.
She is jealous of you, and you are jealous of her. That's a very, very common situation between sisters. Don't worry about it. Just do everything you possibly can do to take your mind off her. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change her, and the same applies for your mother. She is going to continue including your sister in her life, and then complaining about it, so all you can do is listen and forget.
Not an easy thing to do, but since the only person you can change is yourself, that's where you have to start. You can try to help your mother, and your sister, but you can't change them. Fill your life with other people and other things and give yourself a well-earned holiday from family matters.
Sincerely,
GG
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