I hope you can share some of your wisdom with me. I really don't know where to turn.
I have a beautiful granddaughter, who will be three years old this summer. I cannot imagine our lives without her now. I was 40 years old when she was born, and my daughter was 16. She was a straight A student, very pretty and active in sports. She met and dated a boy her sophomore year of high school and was pregnant by Thanksgiving time. To say I was devastated was an understatement, I was certain her "life was ruined". Thank goodness I saw a counselor who was kind and very insightful. She corrected me and said "No, her life is not ruined, she has just chosen another path than one everyone always assumed she would go down". Granted a difficult path, but after much discussion about adoption, a path that she felt was the only one for her and the baby.
Once I got over the initial shock, I feel I have always been there for my daughter. She is on a full academic scholarship to college now (she finished and graduated High School in three years) and works part time. She and my granddaughter lived with me until last January when she got her own apartment. We made an agreement that as long as she remained in school full time, that I would pick up the entire monthly daycare expense.
My daughter has a job as a part time waitress, so Wed through Sat. nights are the best nights to work because the tips are much better. To support this work schedule I have the baby Wed. through Saturday nights. I love doing this, she has her own decorated room and many toys. I know she feels happy, safe and secure here.
I hope I am doing the right thing. Her father and I divorced about 6 years ago and I remarried almost four years ago. My current husband is critical at times regarding my daughter and the baby. He says that he doesn't think that she is a good mother. I disagree, although she may not be perfect, I believe that she is doing about as good of a job that a 19 year old mother can do.
Am I enabling her? He says that she choose to be a mother and that she should just do it. He feels that I make it easier for her. Yes, I do, but is that bad? I use the analogy that the baby is not like a car, if she doesn't take care of her car properly, certainly it may fall apart. That would be her loss even if it was due to just ignorance on how to take care of a car. However, I cannot stand by, when I am financially and physically able to help with baby and let their lives fall apart. She is one of the most precious things on this earth.
I know I've rambled on too much, but basically how does one handle this situation "correctly"?
Thank you for listening.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing. You want to be as helpful to your daughter as possible, and that's what you are. She is fortunate and I'm sure she appreciates it. As for your husband, he might be jealous of all the attention you give your grandchild, and also since your daughter is not his, he won't have the same love and pride in her as you do. He sees her as an opportunist, probably.
Whatever you are going through now is nothing as compared to what you must face, probably in the near future. Your daughter will move away, or get married, and that lovely baby will no longer be "yours". Suddenly you won't have her for a few days each week. Also you will have to put up with somebody else making decisions about the baby. The nice things and all the toys you have for her in your home will have to be sent to her, wherever she will then be living.
I just hope you are not thinking of that grandchild as "yours" because she isn't. Her mother will be ultimately responsible for her, thanks to your strength in supporting her wish to keep the child when she was born. You have indeed enabled her. You have done what a wonderful mother would do - and you'll have to be ready to face having the child taken away from you. You will have to trust others to care for her. That won't be easy.
Meanwhile, you're making it possible for your daughter to reach her own potential. I think you're a great woman.
Truly yours,
GG
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