Hi, I am in a crisis right now. I am a 31 year old separated woman with a 5 year old child. I am a full time student, I
work part-time, and I am taking care of my 5 year old daughter.
My mother does not approve of the man that I have been seeing because he does not come from money. He comes from a middle class family, and he runs his father's auto body shop, and he is a very hard worker. My mother thinks this is a low class profession, as my father is a doctor and is very rich. My mother has been telling me to break up my relationship or she is taking me out of her will. Over the weekend we got into a huge fight because she told me that I am ruining her life, and I replied back to her that this is not about her. This is my life, and I have to live my life for me, not her.
She exploded and in front of my daughter was screaming at me terrible terrible things calling me a whore and a terrible mother and she wishes I wasn't born. I was visiting her in Florida where she lives. I live in New York so I packed my suitcase, took my child, and my dad took me to the airport. She is telling everyone that she no longer has a daughter.
Anyway, I am very depressed. I couldn't go to school today, and I am forcing myself to go to work now. I just don't know which way to turn.
My dad is on my side, but my mother is also on the verge of throwing him out of the house. She has a history of this, she threw her sister out of her life and many friends when they do one thing she does not like. Also my brother killed himself when he was 21, and I completely blame her for his death. I cried to her that she is treating me the same way she used to treat him, and she tells me to "kill myself", she looks me straight in the eye and tells me she never should have had him or me. She wished she only had one child who is my older brother who seems to do everything right.
Which way should I turn?
Lost
The only way to turn now is straight ahead into the rest of your own life.
You are an adult and I'm sure you can handle your own future. There are some things in your letter that are disputable, but since you probably believe what you have written, you have to deal with things the way you perceive them to be.
You think your mother's dislike for your boyfriend is because he isn't wealthy. Perhaps that's not the real reason she doesn't like him. But that won't change YOUR mind about him so, since you don't trust your mother's judgment anyway, ignore it. Your dad probably knows better. I have many doctor friends and every one of them holds auto body men in high respect!
She talks about cutting you out of her will. Does that matter? Are you going to manage your whole life for the single purpose of inheriting money when she dies? Since your father is friendly, how about asking him to be sure your share of the family loot comes straight to you, so SHE can't deprive you of what HE would like you to inherit. Do that now while the family uproar is in full swing. If you wait until later, things might have calmed down and then the next time they flare up it might be too late.
I have to pity your mother. No matter how she seems to treat it, the suicide of her son has taken a huge toll on her and she will never completely recover. Whether she is "throwing" people out of her life, claiming she never had a daughter, and calling you a whore, she is not acting rationally. Maybe she never will be able to. It would be nice if you could work with her and finally bring her around to accepting reality, by doing her bidding, supporting her, approving of her, loving her, but you have a different agenda.
Your greatest responsibility right now is towards your child. Doing well in your studies is paramount because that will
determine your ability to support yourself, and provide the best home conditions you can for her.
I hope that with your studies, and your job, and your boyfriend, you are able to spend a lot of time with your little girl. This is her life too, and everything in her life depends on you. That's a huge responsibility, and you apparently haven't much of an example to follow from your own mother, so you have to be innovative and do what you feel is right.
Don't put off spending time with your daughter, and be sure that all your time together is pleasant. Be sure she knows, often, that you approve of her. If your schedule makes it impossible for you to be home except while she is in bed, rearrange her bed time so you will have time to talk with eachother every single day, and spend most of that time listening. You and she can be the warm, loving mother-daughter combination that you would love to have had with your own mother.
Being depressed is not easy to get over, and I know there are medicines that doctors can prescribe to help, but I truly
believe that if you set your sites on creating a wonderful family for your daughter, your depression might gradually dissipate.
You are a family of two. Some day perhaps you will add that auto body man, or somebody else, and other children, but for now it's just you and her, and, I repeat, everything depends on you. Big responsibility. Not much time for flying down to Florida, so ask your dad to come and visit you in New York. If your mother comes along, she's on YOUR turf. If they can't make it, send them a card once in a while, but concentrate on your studies, and your family, of two.
Good luck,
GG
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