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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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My husband and I are raising our 30 month old grandson and have been since his birth. Our daughter does not want children on a 24/7 basis. The father and our daughter signed over custody before the baby was born. They both lived about 2 hours away when he was younger and then moved closer to us and eventually in with us after he was a year old. Now, they have decided to go their separate ways and both have moved out.
Our grandson did not have a close relationship with either parent and when he is hurt or tired, he asks for my husband or I. My question is should they visit every once in a while or is that going to really mess up his head? Is he going to be even more "clingy" because they left him? Is he going to feel abandoned?
So far, it hasn't seemed to affect him, but is there any way that I can assure him that we are not going anywhere, that we are not leaving him? Any suggestions would really help.
Thank you,
- Dear Grandma - Mom,
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Of course they should visit. Why would it mess up his head or anything else? Children these days have a variety of different relationships with their parents. Gone are the times when every mother and father would sit down with their children every morning for breakfast, and every evening for supper. Each situation is different, and in the case of your little grandson, he will see his parents only occasionally, when it's convenient for them to visit.
But every day and every night, from now until he is old enough to go out on his own, he will have you and his grandfather there where and when you are needed. He will always know he can rely on you. He knows you will not leave him, and the way you will make sure he knows is by never leaving him.
In his own mind he will think of his mother and father as some nice people who come to see him once in a while. Whether they come or go won't matter very much; he has you to rely on and he feels safe with you. I can imagine that he would be troubled if your daughter were to make a big emotional scene of leaving him after a visit, but you can make sure that doesn't happen.
She must know that he is indeed YOUR little boy and respect your wishes about the child both now and later on when he is older. A time might come when she would like to have him with her and if that time comes you'll have a whole lot of very careful planning to do. Meanwhile, he is your child in every way and having visits from his young parents shouldn't bother him. In fact, he should enjoy that.
When he gets out and about as the years roll by, friends might ask him where his mother and father are and he might as well know.
You have taken on a task that I hope will be rewarding. Your little grandson is unusually fortunate to have you.
Best luck,
GG
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