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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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My husband and I come from a totally different background, different language, different financial situation, different country. We live very far away from my mother-in-law whom we see at least twice a year. (my husband sees her 3 times a year and spends at least 6 weeks living with her, without me) She spent 3 times between 4 to 6 weeks living with us in the last 3 years, and we always go to see her where she lives. (I see her much more than my own mother) My husband usually spends 4 to 5 weeks with her, I go there for 2 weeks or more ( When I first knew my husband,
we would spend a week in her house ( what I actually didn't like at all) but for the birth of our first child, we rented a place next to her house.
Our child was born in her country, far away from my family, after spending 6 weeks in her country. Two weeks after the birth, I travelled alone to my family, where my husband joined me after 2 weeks to continue our trip back home. Our second child was also planned in my mother-in-law's country but it came faster than we thought and I gave birth (alone) in my country. My husband joined me after 2 days and we travelled back to his place after 6 days where again we stayed for 2.5 weeks before going home.
I honestly don't like it at all to stay at her house, for various reasons: small, awfull house, messy place. So we usually rent something to stay over there. But then it is the usual guilt game: she cries when we don't come for dinner or she doesn't see the kids.
Since we always go there for our holidays, I decided not to go there this year. I want to take some holiday myself, I want to do something that I like, which as usual I always have to do on my own ( this time with our other baby which I'm still nursing), since my husband doesn't like it and he wants to see his mother, which for me is not really a
problem. My first child will stay with my mother-in-law and my husband for 2 weeks and then they all will travel back to our house.
My MIL keeps on making a scene of everything, crying because I'm not coming with our second child, even though she will stay with us for again 4 to 6 weeks after that. I feel I've done enough for them and want to have some peace, still tired of this second baby. I like their country but don't like their house, l feel completly bored and clostrophobic when I'm there, and I'm tired of her guilt problems. And I haven't got the coureage to stand her for 2 months.
What do you think?
Thanks very much for your advice!
- Dear friend
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I assume you were an adult when you married, and decided to have children with a man from another country who is very close with his mother and needs to spend a great deal of time with her. Your love for him must be very strong to enter into such an arrangement.
Now this love is being tested. If it doesn't include his mother, with whom he is so very close, you are truly in for a rough marriage.
Though her housekeeping is not on a par with yours, there must be other mitigating circumstances that make staying with her pleasant. I notice you have said you are already "tired of" your second baby, so I suppose that having your mother in law's help must be great. Many young women would be very happy and relieved to have such help.
You have said that she "cries" for you to come and bring the children. If that is indeed true, she is a lonely person who
needs all the consideration you can give her. Mothers in law usually do whatever they do through love for their sons. Often they express their love in the wrong way, and often they jeopardize their sons' marriages by doing things in the wrong way. But in your case I can't see that she is being anything but hospitable, and needy. She needs her son and she needs his children, and, because you are part of that package, she needs you.
You can try to see things from her point of view. You can also govern your own actions in whatever way will most please your husband. Then, of course, you have yourself to consider and taking a few days on your own sounds like a good plan too.
Most of the married women I know would prefer to have their few days away WITH their husbands, but if you absolutely have to get away from him to keep your sanity, go ahead and have your vacation, and be thankful that your mother in law is willing and able to keep the children.
I believe your main problem is one of attitude. Since everything is not working out as you had hoped, you must simply adapt to the reality of your marriage. All this travelling around between the countries seems to be a bit much, but I guess it was part of the plan when you married in the first place. Eventually it will have to stop. In the meantime, your best bet is to accept your mother in law as a person you can help - and do so.
Truly yours,
GG
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