I feel you should know a little about me, I will be married for two years this July, we have a daughter who turned a year in January and I am also expecting in August. My parents live approximatly 1 mile away and my in-laws live in New Mexico.
I have tried to get over things my in-laws have said in the past but they still bother me especially telling my husband's ex-girlfriend that they thought she'd be the one he'd married. Refering to my daughter as "her baby", I know she does it to irritate me. And making comments such as the fact that my mom is spoiling our daughter and that our daughter is going to be closer to my mom than her, well she is and it is my mom's right to spoil her, she is her first grandchild.
My problem is this, that my in-laws make me feel uncomfortable in my own house. My mother in-law is rude and makes comments and everyone including my husband racks it up to being old. They decided to come vist without any
real consulting with us and it's not for a weekend it is for 5 to 7 days at a time. My hubband's mother is very famous at saying my husband's dad wants to go visit or my huband's sisters suggested that they come out and it causes a lot
of tensions with and between my husband and I. He has to change all his plans when they come out, because he is self-employed his dad feels he can take time off and go golfing and if my husband can't make it he make comments.
Even if the timing is bad and even if we have prior plans, he feels they are his parents and they don't get to see our daughter that often. so our plans have to be changed to accomidate his parents. And it is wrong.
What I want to know is how do I talk to my husband without him thinking I hate his parents (which he already does) and set bounderies that makes everyone happy. Because come this August when my son is born, we are going to go through this again. I am going to want at least a week if not 10 days to recover and they are going to want to come out right away. "To help", but they don't help they just make a mess of my house and I am not going to be able to clean up after them. Besides I have my mom who like with my daughter is going to be here to cook, clean do laundry and help with my daughter (also keep her a few days) so I can get the rest I need.
I have opened my house to them numerous times, even times where they have taken advantage of it, where there is 12 people staying in my house and it needs to stop. One things is coming to and end, we will not have two spare
bedrooms soon. With the baby coming I need to move my daughter into one of the other bedrooms and the other spare bedroom my husband and I have decided to make it a play room for the kids. That is another thing I need to tackle
is letting them know that we are not going to have any room.
Also this last Thanksgiving, they decided to come down uninvited for 6 days. And we had to change our plans once again, we had a cabin reserved for the holiday. How do I make sure it doesn't become a habit.
Thank You, I hope you can help.
I think you have to resolve yourself to include your entire family in your life and find ways to enjoy it. That entire family consists not only of you and your babies and your mother, but also your husband's parents. It's not because she's old that she makes the comments you don't like to hear, it's because she lacks tact. Also she may be jealous of your position in the life of her son and takes every opportunity to make you seem less wonderful. If she's that obvious about it, you might think of ways to make her feel more secure. You say she makes you feel unwanted in your own home, well, I think she feels less secure than you do. Someone has to do something about this mutual distrust. Let it be you.
Concentrate on the fact that you ARE wonderful. You are managing a family, taking care of a husband, making a little girl's life as great as possible, keeping the grandparents happy, and when your new baby arrives that will be a whole new ballgame!
Could you confide in your doctor and ask him to give you orders to have no visitors from now until at least two months after your baby is born? Do you absolutely require the services of your mother to do your laundry etc..? If you could just manage alone for a while, perhaps your in-laws would stay away too.
I don't see how you can say yes to one and no to the other. That's a recipe for trouble if ever there was one, since you are in a family that likes to compare favours.
The first thing you can do is occupy all those rooms, as you have suggested, and announce to one and all that no more overnights are possible at your house. Tell your husband how it must be and he can tell his parents. Then whenever they come to visit they can stay at a motel or rent rooms elsewhere; that should discourage the long visits that bother you so much. As for your own mother, it doesn't make much difference because she lives close by anyway and can go home to sleep.
By all means talk it over with your husband. After all he is the closest and the one who will understand your needs the best. Just be sure you aren't laying down the law about his parents without including your own in the same plan.
Your extended family becomes more and more of a challenge but if you take time to think of the feelings and needs of each member, from your new baby to his New Mexico grandfather and everyone in between, especially your husband, it will have been worth the trouble. And as for your husband's golfing with his dad, rejoice that they have this time together and can enjoy it. Encourage them and if you manage things well one day your own son will be joining them.
Good luck with this challenge.
GG
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