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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
My daughter-in-law, age 20 and my son, age 22 have been married for 2 1/2 years and have a 5 month old baby. From the start of their marriage, she has not taken much of an interest in doing the things I think a wife not only should do but want to do to be a good wife.
She does not keep a clean house or keep the laundry done or cook very much. I'm from the old school I suppose and have a lot of trouble understanding why she is so lazy. If it didn't bother my son, I wouldn't think twice about it but I know it bothers him and he is the one who tries to keep the house clean and laundry done, etc.
He has talked to her about it and explained that she could at least help him straighten things up and help with the laundry, etc. She always says she'll keep it clean, after he spends his off day cleaning it up, but never does. My son feels that if she loved him she would be concerned that he is unhappy about this and would try to do better. I thought when the baby came she would mature enough to want her house to be clean for the baby.
They do both work and my son doesn't mind doing his part to help -- he just resents having to do it all. On her off days, she is always not feeling good or the baby cried all day or something like that; but mainly she is just looking for an excuse. I am very tempted to tell her in a not critical way that if she continues to ignore my son's unhappiness over this situation, that it may cause problems in the marriage that can't be fixed.
My Dad always told me that it was one thing to catch a husband and quite another thing to keep him! ha. I don't want to see them divorce but I know my son won't stay in a marriage where his wife doesn't seem to care if he is happy or not. Should I try to talk to her in some roundabout way or keep out of it?
Thanks.
- Dear MIL,
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NO. You should not talk to her about her housekeeping, or anything else. You should stay away as much as possible and let them sort it out for themselves.
I feel as sad as you do about your son needing to do all the housework. Poor lad, I'll bet he thought his wife would do all that, like his mother did. But since she doesn't even do her share it seems she's taking advantage of his good nature.
If he can't stand it any more and decides that it will never improve, then he might also decide to end the marriage, not an easy dicision when there is a child involved.
But one thing absolutely sure is that you cannot change that young lady's habits. If you talk with her she will immediately hate you and that will be one more problem for your son to cope with. Not only will she be loafing around the house while he does all the work, but she will be moaning and groaning about how horrible his mother is and will probably send me a letter telling me about how your interference is ruining her perfect marriage. Believe me, I do get such letters all the time.
So stand clear. Don't ever go over there and help with the housework. Let your son tell you how terrible it is, and listen
sympathetically, but don't get involved. I assure you that everyone will lose if you try to help. She MIGHT grow up. Or he might get rich and hire a housekeeper.
Whenever you are with her, try to find something outside the family to talk about - movies, politics, the weather, her job, the price of gas, but don't get into a discussion of her family life.
That's all I can say.
Good luck,
GG
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