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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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Help! I'm married thirteen years. My mother-in-law is extremely generous, so much so that I feel I can't feel any self-accomplishement because she's had a hand in every aspect of my life since I'm married. It started with anything she could give away from tampons she didn't use anymore to expired medicines. She's gotten better because I finally put my foot down, but still she tries to sneak things to my house; like McDonneld's coupons. I'm almost 40 and I don't feel I have to say yes just to please her. If I do this I resent her. If I tell her my feelings she doesn't get it!
She has paid for my education, not because we asked, but because she wanted to. My husband feels it's easier just to accept the stuff.
What should I do. I just get deeper in resentment. She does not even hear from my sister-in-law, because that is not her style, she let's my brother-in-law handle the relationship with his mother. They get along, but she keeps her business to herself. My mother-in-law does not do these things to her. I am a Psych. Major and can look at every aspect of this, but should I confront her that this is obsessive behavior?
- Dear daughter-in-law
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Your problem will be difficult to solve because it depends on your ability to concentrate on needs other than your own. You feel challenged by your mother-in-law's generosity. It heightens your feeling of inadequacy. Insecurity is not a
crime, it's a disease from which, apparently you are suffering.
This kind woman who raised the man you chose to marry, now wants to give you whatever she can. She hands down things she no longer needs, and also she gives you school fees. There is no end to her desire to be helpful to you and your husband. Don't look on this as a "take over" on her part. She needs to help you. If you deprive her of that you will be spoiling something good in her life.
When you are able to get over your own aversion to her acts of generosity, your life, and hers, and your husband's, will all be better. If you persist in objecting and feeling unhappy about it, you are on the road to disaster.
The very best thing you can do about this situation is to receive her gifts with grace, say thank you, and forget it. It's
not a sign of weakness on your part. Some day you might feel the need to be bountiful to somebody else and you'll understand why she does it. Help her by showing gratefulness. It might be hard at first but you'll get better at it with practice.
I hope you can manage this because your family's peace of mind depends on it.
Truly yours,
GG
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