My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have known each other for 11 years. I feel he was heaven sent, a great husband & a great father to our 3 children (with 1 more on the way). The problem is his mother.
From day one she has attacked me with mean and ugly statements, but always stating them in a happy-go-lucky kind
of way, which leaves me with no way to know what to say. A perfect example of this was a month before our wedding when I was trying on my wedding dress. She was helping me with the fitting and out of the blue she says " I had always hoped that my son would marry Denise (his ex-girlfriend) I can't imagine anyone else as his wife". This hurt deeply, but I said nothing, it has only gotten worse. She has made statements about our home, saying it is her son's and not mine and I need to respect it more. She tells me how to do our laundry and when. She wakes me when they are visiting to come make their coffee, then never stops telling me that my house needs cleaning. This is just the
short of it.
She does not approve of us disciplining our children, but complains that they misbehave. We home-school and she will not acknowledge the children's school work when they try to share it with her. She will not come to attend any of the children's awards or special events. She takes my husband's sister and her family on vacation with them twice a year, but complains if we don't spend our vacation at their home. She has never spent a holiday at our home with us and rarely has invited us to their home with them, but if we say we have someone visiting for a holiday she cries that we are leaving them out. They live only 4 hours from us, but come to visit very rarely and if we have plans when they do decide to visit she cries that we are withholding the children from them.
The latest situation is a pie pan. I know it sounds petty, but I was given a pie pan that belonged to my husband's
grandmother. I have used it faithfully for the last 8 years. This past Thanksgiving I went to bake a pie and it was missing. I called his mother and mentioned that it was missing. She stated matter-of-factly that it wasn't missing she took it to her house because she wanted it. I told her that it had been mine for 8 years and she said that before it was mine it was her mother's and she was entitled to it. I asked her why she did not ask anyone if she could have it and she said she didn't have to ask because she was entitled to take it after all of the "things" they have given us.
I do not agree and I feel I can not trust her in our home anymore. My husband called her and explained that this was
serious and she refuses to apologize or return the pie pan. I don't know what to do anymore. I want this woman to be a part of our lives, especially our children's, but she does not seem interested. She is never satisfied with anything we or our children do. And the taking of the pie pan just seems to be the last straw. I know I can't change her, but is this normal? Do other mother-in-laws act this way. I always thought they were interested in their families lives, at least my mother is. What can I do to help the situation?
No, this is not normal, thank goodness. And isn't it fortunate that your children will have one grandmother who is interested in them. But, to cope with the other grandmother could be a problem. As you so rightly have stated, you can't change her, but what baffles me is why you say you want this woman to be part of your lives. My suggestion would be to let her go her way as much as possible and be happy if she stays away and leaves your pie pans alone.
I'd be inclined to change the locks on the house except that I imagine enough fuss has been made of her removing that pie pan that she won't take anything else. I can sympathize with your feeling when you found it missing. I, too, would have been furious for two reasons - the taking of it without asking - and the thought that it belonged to her in the first place. Maybe when it was originally given to you she felt it should have come through her. Whatever bothered her in that connection, it's clear that she resents you so wouldn't you be happier if she became less and less involved with you and your little family!
Writing down all the nasty little things she says and does is good catharsis. Looking at what you've written can also help, especially if you have a good sense of humour. It may have been hard to laugh when she said she wished her son had married Daisy, but at this stage in your life you could develop a hearty "Ha!" with which to greet her snide remarks. Pretend she is the funniest thing in the world and laugh outloud, with her.
Other than that, I don't know what you can do, but for heaven's sake don't wish for more contact. You never know when you might get your wish.
Truly yours,
GG
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