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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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I am at my wits end. My Mother-in-law lives right next door less than 25feet away. I have no privacy and even if she lived 50 miles away my husband would still let her know everything that goes on in our lives. My husband and Mother-in-law have a very close relationship. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair. My biggest problem is how my husband deals with what she does. My husband goes over every morning and kisses her good-bye. He goes over every evening to see her. We go in the yard, she comes out. I mentioned it to him that we can't even go in the yard without her being right there. He said "Well it is her yard, we can't say anything." He got hurt the other day at work, nothing serious. He stayed at work the rest of the day. Well, you guessed it, she found out about it and called me
wanting to know why I didn't tell her. I didn't feel that it was necessary to call and worry her.
Like I have said, he tells her everything. She knows what kind of bills we have and how much we pay. And she tells him anything that goes on around here when he is at work. One of my dogs killed a chicken, well she made sure that she told my husband before I could tell him. It is almost like she wants him to get mad at me for some reason. If she needs something done she calls him. If I need something done it has to wait until he takes care of her first. He also takes her side and says I am just jealous.
To make a long story short. He says he cannot say anything to her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But he is quick to say something to me. I know I am putting him in the middle, but I am afraid of what I would say to her. He says she has always been like this and he is used to it. I come from a very private family, and I am used to having my privacy.
What can I do to make it through this? My husband and I have a great relationship, very loving. But this is putting a strain on us both. He is a very caring person, loves everyone and has no enemies. So it will be hard for him to say anything to her. But I feel it is his place to ask her to stay out of our business.
- Dear friend
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No, I'm afraid it is not his place to scold his mother for being interested in his affairs. That's her nature and she will not
change. Even if he did tell her to keep to herself, she would not be able to do that and it would only cause more trouble.
Your mother in law needs her son to be in her life now, as he was before he married you. I'm sure you knew about their close relationship before you decided to be his wife, but I'll bet you thought things would change. Now that things have not changed, you must make the adjustment because nobody else in the picture is going to change their ways.
Instead of wishing she would keep her nose out of your life, I think you should resign yourself to the fact that she IS in your life and make the most of it. Tell her what's up before she has to pry to find out. Confide in her. You might find it's not so bad after all. Don't think of her as a challenge or an adversary. Think of her as part of your family because that's just what she is. If she wants to give you advice, make a big effort to be grateful and take it if possible. Make her feel important in the life of her son. She needs that very badly and only you can help her.
One of these days you might be in her shoes. You will, of course, not handle things in the same way when YOUR son is married, but you will know how she feels. Probably you will be stronger than she is. But for now, you have only her weakness to deal with and I hope you can summon the strength of character to handle the situation gracefully.
It will either ruin your marriage or not. It's entirely up to you.
Truly yours,
GG
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