I have a situation that has been troubling my husband and myself for quite some time. My husband is one of 5 adult children from a his, hers, and ours marriage. He is from the his, she brought 3 to the marriage, and they had one of their own. My husband is the oldest but, we have the youngest of 13 total grandchildren. Anyway, we live about 75 miles away from my in-laws.
My brother-in-law lives in the same town as they do and drops his kids off in their laps for baby-sitting constantly. He and his wife have gone on a few vacations without their children and go out to party every weekend leaving my
in-laws to sit. Every time we phone, they are watching his kids. This has really created conflict with us. Maybe we are seeming jealous and petty to this situation. We can't stop feeling like second class family members.
We stay home with our children all the time ages 3 and 1. And, I am a stay at home mother while my sister-in-law works. We go out once a month and either use a baby-sitting co-op for this or drive the 75 miles to my in-laws or
have them drive up here. It has been 3 months since we have had them sit for our children. Each time they do come however they usually bring up one of the other grandchildren that lives in the same town they do. Thus, minimizing
the time spent with our children. Our children have to compete for attention with the "favorite" grandchild. We do not like this. We cannot seem to get over this sibling rivalry though. My husband lost his family due to divorce.
Why can't they see how they are hurting him and the other siblings by playing favorite with the one son. The reason that they live 75 miles away is that the two times this sibling did move, they followed in suit moving themselves to each town and have placed the distance themselves.
I know they have a right to live wherever they want to. How can we make them understand that this is driving a wedge between us? Should we ask them to go to family counseling with us? We have discussed this issue with them one time before and they took great offense saying they weren't doing anything wrong.
Do I try to tie up all of their Saturday nights by inviting them to dinner alone so they will not be able to sit for the other grandchildren and fight for them to bond with our children? Or, do we cut off the relationship?
Neither. Don't try to run their lives by "tying" them to Saturday night with you and don't cut off the relationship. Live
your life and let them live theirs. Don't insinuate your strange opinions onto your children and please don't let them "compete" for attention.
Seems you are making much out of nothing. Whatever your in-laws feel like doing is their business. I can't imagine why you would drive 75 miles to leave your children with them when you could surely get a neighbour to watch them for you, when you want an evening out.
Worrying because they look after a brother's children is indeed a case of being jealous. I don't know about being "petty" because it does seem to loom large in your lives. My suggestion to you would be to take up some other interests and forget the whole relationship with your in-laws. Being obsessed with how many hours they spend with your children is a terrible waste of your time and nervous energy. "Bonding" is an interesting word but it's not worth going for counselling about.
If, in the fullness of time, your children and your in-laws become friends, that might be just great. But it will happen or
not, depending on the kind of children you raise, and depending on how much time your in-laws have to develop such a friendship. It will have nothing to do with you so don't try to manage it.
Most of the mail I get about in-laws contains complaints that they are interfering too much. Maybe you are among the lucky ones. Read some of the other letters in this series.
Truly yours,
GG
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