Ours is a complex and heartbreaking situation. Our son is disabled. CP, Schizophrenic, ADD, LD, Asthma, severe allergies. He is now 32 yrs. Many different doctors helped us raise him and the prognosis was that he would developmentally do everything much slower. Also, that he would never live independently. They also said to walk away and institutionalize him.
When he reached 18 years, he stopped all treatment and took off with a girl who has almost as many problems, but is mean. Our son is intelligent. He is a computer genius.
The limitations the doctors told us he would always have were not correct. One reason is that I didn't walk away. The other is I didn't tell him what any professional said about his limitations. He can sign his name and they said that would never happen. That was a celebration! he also set up housekeeping with this girl. We paid, as loan when ever they could I tried to help her, she was very disturbed. We live a half a mile away, because of their needs. It has always been very difficult to juggle everything. Work, college, involvement with our son's needs. In other words, I didn't need him to be disabled, he needed me.
I say this because, CPS is involved. and I am being accused (though I am not even part of the case) of smothering,
interfering and controlling their lives. We have stepped back more and more. Although, both my son and this girl were on SSI with me as payee. I hated it. But neither could work and we were supporting them. My son has been on SSI for 17 yrs. To raise a disabled child means fighting for everything and I learned and grew. I needed to be off of his SSI as payee, I felt as if I would never get out from under the burden of evaluations, paying his bills or sometimes giving him the money to try and handle it himself.
Finally, I am off, and the relief is palpable! I was accused of being his payee for control. Never.
His girl got pregnant after three years together with my son. They were living on $530.00 month. Plus, the girl had had four abortions in adolescence, so they didn't tell us until she was almost seven months pregnant. She was afraid I would make her have an abortion. (Like her Mother) At this time, she was twenty-two. She spent four years in a residential center as a teen and so ill, they wanted to have her sterilized. Anyway, I worked really hard to let her know she was making her own decisions and I would never do such a thing. I was with her in labor and delivery, although the hospital flagged her a potential abuser. I was sick with worry, that they would bring a child into the world.
I wanted to be a grandmother, but realized now I would be taking care of three instead of first my son, then his girlfriend, now the baby. I always let them know this was their child, but I worried about the baby constantly. My son and this girl seem to be devoid of empathy. They can barely take care of themselves, let alone a child.
I would visit (invited) and when my granddaughter was about a year, my son asked the mother if they had fed the baby that day. My granddaughter was walking around pinching them, preverbal, so she couldn't really say "feed me". Just an example. CPS came the first time when my granddaughter complained constantly about her teeth hurting, she was
about three. I finally offered to set up an appointment with a pediatric dentist. And sadly, she had four front teeth removed because they had consistently put her to bed with cola in her bottle. This dentist called me and said that she had called CPS. I was accused by them. And since then my granddaughter has been programed not to "talk" or she
would be put in jail. A pediatrician also called CPS because I was the one to take her to the doctor for illnesses and he said, "where's the parents?" He thought that she was being neglected.
Well, you get the picture. There are many more stories. I would come home and my husband would say, "go get her and bring her over here". Well, I certainly couldn't do that without their permission. A principal also said "Just go get her and bring her back here" My son had taken her out of school with one hour's notice and moved in with a new girlfriend. My son and the child's mother split up two years ago. (She wanted another child and he didn't). He was falling apart and I helped him get custody which helped to put him together again. He has needed our constant guidance. He was a good father for about eight months, then he discovered women liked him.
The mother and I have pretty much shared care of my granddaughter. Any mention of shared custody with my son was
met with distrust, even though he wasn't physically caring for the child. (When the child was born, I took lots of pictures of her and her parents. I believe strongly that a child should be able to look back and see that someone loved them enough to keep a record of their development. Plus, I have won some awards for my photos. The maternal grandmother warned both that if I took pictures it meant that I wanted to own the child. This concept has stuck, no
matter how close or friendly we were).
My granddaughter, age eight, was molested this past summer, by her maternal uncle age fifteen. He had also been molesting his younger sister. There is an open criminal case on this matter. My granddaughter was removed from her mother's and my son lost custody. CPS placed her with my husband and me (where she wants to be). Everyone stopped speaking to us, because they blamed us. My son had begun seeing a woman four years younger than me and much like the first girl. But she is a professional. She has been delegated to be the disciplinarian for my granddaughter. She is very punitive and is abusive with my son's knowledge. My son has told his daughter that "Nan's paying the bills so she can do what she wants." She told my granddaughter that she was not getting a Christmas because she forgot to say thank you for a piece of toast. Christmas eve, they went to her great-grandparents' house, so she had something. My son also presents very well as does the child's mother.
The social worker has accused me of all kinds of things and yelled at me. I responded by saying, "you don't even know me or my husband." My son and the child's mother has told lies and dug up anything they could think of that was private about us. I spent a month in a psychiatric unit, because a therapist had raped me. And I was sexually molested as a child, that was used against me. This was years ago. They have this social worker in their pockets.
The second hearing is January 12th and I am busily doing what everyone has said we needed an attorney for. Getting character letters from the school (I am a PTA member and volunteer) and people that have known us for years. This court and the child's attorney is very pro parent and I got hostility when I asked about legal visitation. I was told that I have no rights. So, I was told the confidential court date and given permission for my husband and me to attend. The purpose is only to ask for visitation, because even though my son now says he will let us visit on weekends, he is very erratic and uses the child as a pawn to get back at us. He is also loaded with legal problems. Welfare fraud, Sec. 8 HUD fraud and driving with a revoked license owing the court $1800.00. The child and us have been very close. She loves us and this home has been her only stability since birth. She loves our two dogs and they adore her. She has her own room here, with bunk beds to encourage socialization. She sleeps on a sofa bed at her father's and has to listen to her father and his girlfriend having sex. She says that she hates it and goes into the bathroom and closes the door and puts her hands over her ears until they stop.
I encouraged her to talk to her Dad about this and he said this was normal. She has no space of her own and just lately acquired some toys. She has to dress in the corner of the living room with no privacy.
I guess I needed to put everything together. What I have expressed is pretty much fact. Am I on the right track here? I hate speaking in front of the court. I am afraid I'll draw a blank. I feel that we are our granddaughter's only hope of a semblance of safety and peace. Even if it's only visitation. It's not our need. We love her (and like her) dearly, but we are at the point where we could travel and not have responsibilities. We are going to stay in this state until things are settled with her. And we feel as if our son has died . . . he has hurt us so much. I keep reaching out to him, tentatively, because I am so worried about him. He needs to be on medication again. I would really appreciate your comments.
Sorry for rambling on, so.
Writing it all down as you have done was a very good thing to do. Your story is unusual in that there seem to be no people or offices who can see through to the real situation. As you say, you do not NEED a granddaughter. In fact you certainly didn't need THAT son. I hope you have other children whose adult behaviour gives you some satisfaction.
But recording it, as you have done so well, doesn't solve the big problem with this one little granddaughter. If the social workers can't see through to the real need of that child, or if they are so wrapped up in their own bureaucracy that they can't just move her in with you, then your only recourse is to visit her whenever they let you do that. The hardest part of that will be holding your tongue when you see everything that is wrong with their household.
Time passes faster all the time. She will live through these awkward years when she has no privacy and has to endure the intimicy of her father and whatever woman he is with. Through these terrible times we just have to rely on the children to build some sort of strength of character to see them through; and it's amazing what kids can withstand. Parents who would put cola in a baby's milk bottle will do anything, and since the law maintains that parents have primary rights, we can only count on good genes to pull her through.
NOW READ THE FOLLOWING - IT IS IMPORTANT:
When you go to court, all you can do is tell the truth. Don't try to tell them what you "think" - just tell them what you
"know". DON'T LET THEM RUSH YOU. If you don't understand the question, ask them to repeat it over and over until you know exactly what they are asking. Take a deep breath and speak slowly. If they don't believe you then all you can do is ask them to charge you with lying under oath. It's either that or believe you. And be sure you do tell the exact truth.
That little girl deserves your love and care; I hope that's what she gets. And if they don't let you care for her now, things could change. If you and your husband are able to go journeying in your retirement, perhaps you could take her along for some of those trips.
Your life has been unusually difficult and it doesn't look like things are going to be easier. If the court demands that you stay away from your son and his family, your only hope for any sort of tranquility would be to leave the whole mess at arm's length. You can't forget it but you CAN ignore it. Move on to other interests for yourself and your husband and "abandon" your granddaughter's needs. I know that's impossible in reality, but you could just try to not dwell on it for a while. As I mentioned before, people DO overcome terrible things. And she is growing more mature every year. Count on her to rise above her devastating childhood, in the same way that you yourself have done.
Good luck in court. And good luck for the rest of your life. Just remember, even though you've devoted most of it to other people, you deserve a life too. And so does your husband.
Truly yours,
GG
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