I am facing a very difficult situation. My husband and I have a 1-year old child. We've been married 8 years. My husband's parents do not get along and he is very protective of his mother. His mother came to visit us for an
extended stay after baby was born. She constantly harassed me about everything. My husband was very insensitive to my complaints.
One day, she blew up and started shouting at me for about 45 minutes in front of my husband, who did and said nothing. My husband tried to blame me for this, and to make me apologize to her. I refused. He then extended her
stay, even though I asked him to make her leave. This went on for 3 months. Then he moved out to an apartment with her. We have now been separated for 6 months.
My husband says he is willing to work out the marriage with me, but only if we move to the city his parents live in in about a year. I believe my husband's mother is very mean and probably mentally ill to some degree. I have told my husband that he and his mother ganging up on me is not an acceptable way for me to live. I expect a strong line to be drawn with her; to have the freedom to control my interactions with her; and finally to work out a schedule for our daughter's interactions with her. I am convinced she will badmouth me to my daughter and create a very conflicted child.
My husband seems unable to agree to these terms. He talks a lot about how grandparents are as important as parents to a child. He is in denial (I think) about this woman. He is painting me as someone who would impose segregation and apartheid on his poor innocent mother. Under these conditions, I feel I have no option except to divorce. At least that way, I can bring up my baby well.
Any thoughts?
On principle, I hate divorce. I've seen so much of it and am appalled at the damage that divorce can do to children. But I've also seen the terrible damage to children that can come from disfunctional families and from the tiny little insight into your family that your letter exposes, I'd say your child would be better off with one parent. And of course that would be you.
Your husband has left your bed and board so there should be no problem with getting a divorce. The whole story of this situation is not revealed in your letter but that really doesn't matter. You are now apart. It seems that he will not return unless you can accept his mother as a permanent member of your household.
If you are able to receive support from him after the divorce, that would be great, but don't count on it. Even if the court commands him to pay you child support, you surely know that thousands of men don't pay the required amount and women have to track around the world trying to get that needed child-support.
So as you go ahead with the divorce, don't count on getting financial help from your ex-husband. This means that you have to stand firmly on your own two feet and go it alone.
Also you will have a terrible time trying to keep your mother in law from interfering. If I were you I'd move as far away as possible and start a whole new life.
I'd love to be able to suggest some way that you and your husband could get back together, without his mother. But it probably couldn't be done because he wants her more than he wants you. She is a very weak woman and needs him. You are a strong woman and he imagines that you should give in for the sake of his mother. Since that's the way he sees it, there is no way you could make him see it in any other way.
Good luck with the rest of your life, and I hope your little girl will be able to have a happy and healthy childhood, with you.
Truly yours,
GG
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