My daughter-in-law comes from a large family that is very social having get-togethers for every occasion. I have a very small family, no sisters or brothers and one other son. I feel very left out (I should say my husband and I) and not included. It is me she asks to baby sit so she can attend her family weddings, funerals, etc., that her children cannot be included. It is to her family summer home that she visits not ours. It is with her nieces and nephews that my grandchildren have sleepovers and play with. Her family is at their house all the time and we are hardly ever invited.
We live a mile away from them and we have respected their privacy. We never drop in and mind our own business and have been very helpful when needed. We have taken them to Disney a couple of times and
trips to the White Mountains so we could build memories with our grandchildren, however she said we were overwhelming her with how much we are involved.
These trips have taken place over a number of years. I have been very tolerant and make sure she maintains her privacy and I try not to make waves so that we don't have a fight. She is a fighter and confronts everyone. I don't want to be confronted by her as she is very hurtful. l love my grandchildren and want to have a relationship with them. I want them to know our side of the family. I know we have a lot to offer them in love, and many other respects.
We have a lot to offer as far as material security, however, she considers this to be intimidating and she doesn't want us to do for the children that she cannot do herself. She has a very low self-esteem, is anxious, and is
incapable. I am sure this is contributing to our problem.
I want us to be a family. If I can do something to change myself so this can be possible I would do it. I know I can't change her, but I can use some advice as how to handle this situation.
This is the other side of the story, isn't it! I receive letters every day from young women who resent any interference from their mothers in law.
I wish they would all read your letter.
But there's something really wrong with the way things are working out for you. I know you wouldn't want to be involved in all her family's events, but it's too bad she resents the events you prepare for her children. You are generous people and derive genuine pleasure from being with your grandchildren. I don't think it's a power trip for you, as it is with some mothers in law.
Your insecure daughter in law is intimidated by your ability to provide things that would otherwise be unaffordable, so you could just stop giving these gifts, and whatever else you do for the children. There will be times to come when you can help them out without involving her at all. As the children get into university and start families of their own, you will have ample opportunity to be the fairy godmother. They will appreciate the help and by then their mother will have no cause to object and won't see it as a threat to her authority.
Meantime, you're on the right track just trying to accept your son's feisty wife on her own terms. If I were you I wouldn't baby sit for them. Since you detect some resentment of your attention, you could just stay away and let them simmer down a bit before going back to do them favours. It is wrong for them to be depending on you for babysitting and at the same time objecting to your other attentions to the children. Until she can reach a healthier balance in her attitude towards you, I'd lie low and find myself some other interests that do not involve
grandchildren at all.
One of the hardest things that a grandparent must do is watch while their children do things differently. We have all made our share of mistakes in raising our own children and believe we could avoid them if we had a second chance - with our grandchildren. But this is NOT our second chance. This time around it is for our children to figure out how to do things. Right or wrong, the next generation is theirs, not ours. Somehow they manage to get those children raised to be great citizens. Even if they do everything wrong, chances are the kids will
muddle on through and we'll be proud of them all.
It's very hard on grandparents to be treated poorly by their children who don't realize that we have gained a great deal of knowledge by experience. Very few children will come to us for advice. When they do we are hard put to come up with advice that will work on this new generation of children, because everything has changed since we were faced with those problems.
So all in all our best bet is to keep at arm's length from them and just watch and wonder. We can help if they'll let us, but otherwise we should get on with our own lives. Get involved in other matters than raising children. Adopt the entire community and see which of its needs you can fill.
You are one of the rare ones. You are actively trying to have the right relationship with your daughter in law. The best way you can do this is to keep as much distance between you and her as possible.
Good luck,
GG
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