Please help me. My husband and I had a son three months ago and his mother became unbearable. I have tried very hard for them to see the baby about once a week. I am breast feeding and therefore really can't leave him
anywhere. I also don't want to leave him. I have had to return to work and I feel this is enough time to be away from him. My mother-in law wants to have him twice a week for two hours or more at night.
My mother-in-law told me many stories of her child-rearing of my husband and his brothers. She told me about beating one child with a dog chain, hitting my husband so hard across the jaw that a welt raised for more than two weeks, breaking a spoon across his back and other times when she felt the need to use corporal punishment. She told me many of these things when I was pregnant. I have also seen her grab her other grandchildren by a
limb and jerk them in order to get them to fall as a form of punishment. I understand that people have their own ways with children, but I consider this to be child abuse. I can remember only one spanking in my life. I do
not want to raise my child to be physically frightened of me.
My mother-in-law still has a very short fuse. She will throw things at my father-in-law when they argue, is very abusive of my husband when he does not do as she wishes or will scream and cry at him that I have ruined their
relationship. Our baby has reflux disorder and can literally scream for two and three hours at a stretch (the acid comes back up his throat and it hurts him). I am VERY worried about shaken baby if she had him during a time such as this. I have not seen any indication that she handles a small child's rages any better than the disappointment of an adult.
I also do not want her to be alone with him because she has mentioned several times that she wants to "get her hands on him, take off his diapers and check out his parts." I watched her bathing one of her other grandsons'
(long before I was pregnant) and something about the way she stroked the child made me ill to my stomach. There was something sexual or seductive about it. I know that she grabbed and stroked and touched my husband's buttocks until he was 31 and objected forcefully.
Great Granny, am I just being too over-protective? I know that I love my little boy with a force that takes my breath away. I know that I would do anything for him, make any sacrifice for his good, put him first in all things. I don't want to cause family problems (and this is causing problems), but I also don't want harm to come to my son. By the way, my husband says that he feels that I am being "extreme" but also does not want his parents to be left alone with the baby. I don't know the reasons, but my father-in-law does drink so I thought that might be it.
I am not trying to keep them from seeing him, just from being alone with him. I'm petrified he will get hurt. She has made promises to me, but she also tells the other grandchildren that the minute their mother is gone, she makes the rules and I have seen her directly defy my sister-in-law's wishes. Please answer soon.
Call me worried out of my mind
You are not being extreme. But you must face the facts. In the first place, you're wrong when you say that when you had your baby your mother in law became unbearable. If your report is honest, she has been unbearable for a long, long time.
Taking everything into consideration you have only one course to follow, and that is to make sure that your baby is never allowed to be with your mother in law without you being there too. Do not ever leave him with her, not even for half an hour. Not even for five minutes.
You must make it clear with your husband that this is not up for negotiation. If you need a baby sitter and your mother in law is willing to do it free, do not be tempted. Pay someone you trust and be sure that the person will not allow your mother in law to come over and interfere in any way.
This is crucial. It's not a cruelty to her, it's a protection for your child. If she puts up a terrible argument and makes life difficult for you about your decision you have to recruit your husband to help you stick by your decision.
She seems to have found plenty of people to deal with in her own way so she doesn't need to add your baby to her circle of influence.
Invite her to your house and make sure she does not have a minute alone with the baby. Keep in touch with her and keep her informed about developments with the baby and other family matters, but don't ever get into a position where you are asking advice, or letting her give it. Just change the subject if she becomes abusive about how you are handling your child.
As he grows older she is bound to find fault with everything you are doing and tell everyone in the neighbourhood that you are doing everything wrong. Just ignore all this gossip and carry on loving your baby as you do now.
When he gets to be two and three years old, and then later when he becomes a teenager, you may find it more of a challenge to keep on loving him unconditionally, but I think you will manage just fine. The important thing right now is to assert your authority and be the decision maker. Your husband can help you but he will find it even more difficult to deal with his mother. So - it's up to you.
Be strong. That'l what mothers are supposed to be.
Truly yours,
GG
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