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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
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I'm hoping you can give me some insight into a very difficult situation. My husband and I have been married over 6 years, and have 2 beautiful children, 5 and 2. Until recently, we have lived away from both sides of our
families. I don't understand why, but my in-laws decided to auction off all their belongings, sell their home, buy a motor home and drive down to us to stay for 6 months out of every year. Before they got here, they said they'd
only stay a few weeks, then find a campsite of their own, in the next town, so " they wouldn't invade our lives", her words.
They've been here a month, with not a word said about pitching in for the expenses, have tapped into our electric line, phone line, water line, cable line, you name it, and I buy 98% of the groceries for all the meals. They say
now there's no reason to look for a campsite, our yard is perfect!
A little info on me, I am a disabled veteran, on full disability. They have known this for years, and know that I have an anxiety disorder, and depression among other things, but social interaction is usually more than I can handle. I do what I need to for the kids, but otherwise don't go out much. They are in the house all the time, don't knock, have terrible hygiene habits, and don't help with any of the housework, even though they spend more time in here than in their motorhome.
I'm afraid to tell my husband all I'm feeling, for I understand he's in a difficult position and feels since we can afford it, we should just keep footing the bill. I think they chose this lifestyle, I shouldn't have to pay for it. Am I crazy to want my privacy back? My husband and I never have time alone to talk, and the pressure is really getting to me. Maybe I'm just being a doormat, but I'm always afraid of hurting someone's feelings. In fact, they
said one reason they were coming here was because the remainder of the kids in my husbands family, which all live in the same general area, were always asking them for money. They didn't like it there, so why are they doing it to me?
So, am I totally selfish? Or can I please expect some privacy and normalcy again?
- Dear friend
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First you should show this letter to your husband. There's no reason why he shouldn't know how frustrated you are about the situation that his parents have created.
If all you say is true, that your inlaws are living at your expense, because they don't want to be near their other children who always ask them for money, that is weird. Perhaps you should begin asking them for money and they would leave.
That's not such a bad idea, actually. Ask them right out if they will please pay their share of the utility bills that they are using. Ask them some time when everyone is there so their answer cannot be shielded. Find out if they do or do not intend to share the phone bill, and the power bill and so forth. Go through them one by one and ask them to figure out what part of those bills they feel are their rightful share.
Having brought that little matter out in the fresh air, you'll get a true picture of what they think they are doing. Maybe they feel that in their old age they deserve to be supported by their son. If that's the case, let it be known to all so you can make your plans accordingly.
As for walking in on you unannounced and uninvited at all times, you should put a lock on your door and do not give them a key. Before going to such an extreme, you could ask them please to let you know by phone before they are thinking of coming to see you, and if they don't do that, lock the door.
Remember in all this that if you are using them for baby sitting you are inviting them to be a part of your little family group. To keep things on a better plane you should never expect them to look after your children except on special occasions when you have asked them in advance, and when you have paid them for the service.
In other words, you have to establish their presence there on a formal basis. If they find it unsuitable, they can always drive away.
I hope this works. If it doesn't, then you just have to put up with things the way they are. You might find that it's not as bad as you thought. Talk it over with your husband.
Good luck,
GG
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