My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 of those years. During this time, his mother and I have gotten along but never developed a close relationship. Although I like her, we have different personalities and seem uncomfortable around each other. When she calls she always asks for my husband and rarely talks to
me, even just to say hi - and she always says at the end of her conversation to my husband that we should come out some time. We never really have visited on a regular basis, and I have always left that up to my husband to plan and I have never told him no, but have on occasion had to remind him that we already had plans - sometimes he's forgetful.
In the beginning I even reminded him of her birthday and mother's day, etc., but I decided it was time for him to take responsibility and I stopped. I also know that he is in the habit of pacifying her when he talks to her - like, when she says to come out some time, he says "well maybe this weekend," and when he relays it to me, many times I have to remind him that we already had plans and he either doesn't call her at all because he said "maybe" or he calls her to tell her we already had plans.
Anyway, we now have a 10 month old daughter and ever since she was born, my mother-in-law has become increasingly unbearable. She complains that she doesn't see us enough, that we haven't let her babysit (we haven't needed her to) and she has even told me, when I tried to talk to her about all this, that she blames
ME for all this. She says I don't like her and that I make other plans when she calls to invite us out, etc. She's wrong and I've told her so. She compares her friends relationships with their children and grandchildren to us and she blows everything out of proportion. She thinks that because her friends see their children and grandchildren all the time and they have "kid's night," etc. that we should do that too. My husband and I have ALWAYS been VERY independent, and I know her friends can't say that about their children.
I don't know why she blames me. Let me give you an example... on her last birthday, NONE of her 3 sons called or sent cards. A week later, her husband (my husband's step-father), calls all the boys to tell them what he thinks of it because their mother is so upset. Of course, my husband was working and I get to be the one to be yelled at. Also, last Easter, all her boys said they would come out for dinner - one of them didn't show and never called about it. The way I see it, she didn't raise her boys to value the same things she does - so why does she take it out on me - my husband is a grown man and I don't feel that I should have to "remind" him of things or be responsible for his actions when they don't suit her.
I'm at a loss on how to deal with this. She thinks we are supposed to have this wonderful "mother-daughter" relationship now that she's a grandmother and I don't understand why she didn't express these feelings long before I became pregnant. She's also jealous of the close relationship I have with MY mother. Now granted we've mostly let my Mom babysit when we go out, but until 2 months ago, my mother lived next door, literally.
I'm honestly not real interested in building a really close relationship with her, mainly because I've gotten used to how our relationship has been all these years and I've been happy with it - now I find out she's not and she expects ME to do something about it. I figure if my husband and I have been fine with how often we see her and she wants to see us more, then SHE should come see us - not the other way. Besides, what ever happened to my husband and I having our own lives to live with our little family of three. Aren't we entitled to our privacy? I guess this comes from our being independent and not emotional about things, both traits I see the opposite
of in his mother.
My husband does support me and has said that she does tend to overexaggerate things and dwell on them a lot. Even her sisters have told me she has always been this way with them. Of course, what I've told you is just the tip of the iceberg, but it covers a lot. Do you have any suggestions?
Yes, I do have some suggestions. One is for you to go right on writing down all your feelings because in so doing you are getting a lot off your chest. Your letter is packed full of contradictions, but no matter. Family facts are often contradictory; it doesn't mean that anyone is telling lies. From your point of view, I'm sure things are exactly as you have stated them to me. You've expressed your innermost feelings and there is nothing better than that to clear the air.
Read over your entire letter, pretending you are a stranger, and notice how it sounds. It all boils down to your mother in law wanting a nice relationship with you and your baby. This is not unusual and it is not sinful. In fact it's natural and wonderful.
Whatever you can to do help this happen will be good for the whole family, mostly for your special three - you and your husband and your child. Being on good terms with grandparents is part of the happy family picture you want to paint. Do what you can to see that it happens, even if it means becoming a warmer, more friendly woman yourself. Open your heart to this older woman who wants to be close with you. You will be glad you did.
None of the things that she does that bother you are crimes. She is a good woman with needs, just as you are, and just as your mother is. She is also a human being who has made mistakes and will make many more, just as you do, and will. Don't dwell on those things that she and her husband do that displease you; try to think of the positive things.
Nothing in the world is going to change her except herself. YOU can't make her change her attitude, but in time she might do it herself. The best thing you could do would be to keep your problems with her to yourself. Don't even let your husband know that she gets on your nerves. Let him try to enjoy her without having his pleasure marred by disagreements with you. You could even try to build her up in his eyes so he could enjoy loving his mother; that's the natural way it should be. It's not a good thing for a man to dislike his mother.
Maintaining a rift between you and your mother in law can escalate into out and out war and the one to suffer the most will be your husband. Don't let that happen. Do everything you possibly can to let her into your heart, and do it now.
Very truly yours
GG
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