My mother-in-law and I have always got along very well until now. I thought she was so great. She tried not to be intrusive into our lives and was always very nice to me. I really admired her for several things, such as the fact that she was a stay at home mom until her youngest was ten years old and even then chose a job with
the school district so that she could still be there when her children are home, and she is very religious and brought her children up with those beliefs. I also admired her for the way she brought up my husband to respect women and be polite. I loved her immediately because she was so nice and she was the mother of my husband.
I have had two children in the last two years. I was in the miltary and could not just quit. I was having daycare problems so when she asked if she could visit with my son for a couple of months during her summer break I took her up on it. She did a great job. I really did appreciate it and still do. Recently, she found out that I smoke (I have smoked since I was 14, and I am 25 now). I always hid it from her and the rest of my husband's family at his request because she is completely anti-smoking and some of his brothers and sisters are still school age and
impressionable. She is very disapproving and passes stuff on to me through my husband, but has never once told me that she disapproves herself.
Some things I have done with my sons in the past I know have irritated her. My oldest carries a blanket and sucks his thumb, my youngest also sucks his thumb. Recently I was visiting relatives of mine in the state she lives in, because of my mom's surgery. I asked if she and my father-in-law could watch my sons for a week (he doesn't work) because my mother's house is VERY messy and unsafe for an infant and a toddler. They agreed but one week turned into two (on my part) and we had a lot of interaction with each other. During this time she tried to break my older son of his blanket and his thumb, which I was upset about because she did it without asking me and I had not tried to do it because we were away from home for two months and I didn't want to take away comfort objects while we were in so many unfamiliar places. She also never failed to mention to me the fact that my ten month old sleeps through the night with them (he doesn't with me, but that is a longer story). She berated me for not being supportive of her son, when I mentioned that sometimes it is hard to be understanding when he works really long hours CONSTANTLY and I am the only one to take care of our kids (he doesn't do this
voluntarily, he is in the military, and even though I understand that, it is hard not to get stressed out about it).
She lied to me about buying party items for my son's second birthday, which didn't bother me, just the lying about it bothered me. She is constantly telling me information about ear infections and how to prevent them, because my oldest is prone to them, and she makes it seems like it is my fault, the way I bottle-fed him, the fact I smoke (outside and never around the kids), water in his ears from the way I rinse his hair in the tub. Whatever
I do with my kids, she tells me what "they say" as advice to tell me WHAT SHE THINKS.
She is very underhanded about her disapproval and my husband sees it only as me being too sensitive. I want to be her friend and want her to think well of me. I don't know what I can do to make it better, other than to quit smoking and do everything else she requests. I think even then she would find fault with it. My husband has wanted me to confront her with the feelings I have but I don't think that would be a good idea.
Any advice you have to offer would be appreciated. You seem to have a lot of common sense when it comes to relationships.
Want to be friends.....without becoming her, want to be Me.
You're starting off with the best of sentiments. And who wouldn't want to be friends with such a wonderful woman. If she is as you say, I think you're one of the lucky ones; so many young women don't like their mothers in law.
But yours is so helpful, so devoted, and so right-minded. It's too bad she seems critical of some of the ways you raise your children, but that's to be expected. I think you can survive the criticism if you just don't fight against it. Tbank her for her suggestions and then change the subject. Don't discuss it with your husband - let it be your own private conquest - over your own pride. You'll be proud of yourself if you can manage that. Listen to your mother in law's suggestions and don't get riled up about it.
Then there's this smoking thing. You know it's wrong. She knows it's wrong. Everyone knows it's wrong. Just about everyone addicted to smoking is trying to quit. Those who aren't are being foolish and usually they get so mad at themselves because they are STILL smoking that they pretend the world is against them. They maintain that it's nobody's business if they smoke or not. They go outside and try to think that if they don't smoke in the house it's OK.
Well, it isn't OK. When your sons start to smoke you'll be furious and I hope you can do something to discourage them from killing themselves that way. You won't be surprised to find them hiding their smoking from you, the way you have been hiding your smoking. They will also be hiding other things they do from you. Kids know how to emulate their parents. It's the natural thing to do. You sneak around with your habit and they will sneak around with theirs. The close relationship you'd love to have with them will just never happen. UNLESS you face facts now and quit smoking.
I'm sure you don't need to be convinced that you must quit. After all, everyone who loves you and cares for your family wants you to stop smoking. They can't all be wrong. Get the best medical advice you can and take it. Whatever it takes to get you off the habit will be worth it. This might be the hardest thing you ever did - much harder than giving birth - and it will test your strength of character for all time. But DO it.
When you stop smoking you'll have so much better a feeling about yourself that you will be able to withstand any criticism anyone might sling your way. Other things in your life that bother you will disappear. When your mother in law tries to help you with your children you'll be thankful instead of being resentful. Big problems will seem tiny. You will be so powerful when you have conquered that one thing.
You will be unbelievably amazed.
Truly yours,
GG
Return to Granny's Query index
