I have been married to my husband for 6-1/2 years. We both have children to a previous marriage. My children are 18, 16, and 16 and his are 13, and 13..yes, two sets of twins.
The problem is my mother-in-law. For 8 years now I feel as though my husband and I and the kids have been treated like dirt by this woman and a few others in the family. We have confronted her with these problems to no avail, she
denies "leaving us out" of things. However, here is a taste of what has been going on the past 8 years (my husband and I dated for 2 before we married).
We live within a stones throw of my in-laws but rarely see them which in my opinion is just fine. The in-laws have a cabin in the mountains and go there just about every weekend. In the eight years that I have been with my husband we have been invited there twice, both times the children have been excluded. However, my brother-in-law and his "flavor of the month" are invited every weekend they go, along with his two boys and however many children the
present girlfriend may have. Yes, he changes women on a monthly basis. My brother-in-law by the way, is also a divorcee and has two sons.
In the summer, my brother-in-laws two boys are invited to their Grandparents to go swimming. This is usually every weekend. Our children have been invited to go swimming four (4) times in the past 8 years and then it was only when the other two boys were there.
Now, the birthday parties. Each year we try to have a small get-together for our children on their birthdays. Each year the in-laws have something else going on. When they do show up, they stay for as long as it takes to hand the one with the birthday a card, say "Happy Birthday" and then leave. When my brother-in-laws sons have a birthday, THEY have the birthday party at their home, invited everybody humanly possible, and then ignore the fact that we are also a part of this celebration. When we walk in the door, my mother-in-law doesn't even so much as say "hello"...to any of us!
And now for the big one! Christmas! Every year, we are invited to Christmas eve "exchange of gifts" at my husbands Grandparents. There is food and the whole nine yards of supposedly "being together" on this particular night. Well, my father-in-law usually shows up drunk, my mother-in-law does not acknowledge any of us again, and my brother-in-law, his current girlfriend, their children, AND the girlfriends MOTHER are there. Not once, in 8 years, has my mother been invited! My mother is a widow and I know would enjoy being invited to "catch up" since she knows most of my husbands family. I do not feel that it is my place to invite my mother since this is not my "party" but I have thrown hints over and over about her being alone on Christmas eve. One year we decided not to go and had my mother at our house for the night. Boy did we pay dearly for that. My husband never took up for me that year and never explained as to why we did what we did. And the same thing happens again on Christmas day!
I know this can be all summed up into one bundle, the mother-in-law and the brother-in-law are the problems. I just do not know what to do anymore. My husband and I have had huge fights over this, we have talked to his mother and brother about it also with no solutions. When these things occur, my husband always seem to get upset with me instead of with his mother and brother. When I tell him what is bothering me, he ignores it and seems to warm up to them even more! I hope that makes sense.
One last thing. My mother-in-law has not seen her granddaughters (my stepdaughters) since last Christmas. She was in the mountains for their birthday and of course, did not invite them to go swimming this year at all! However, my mother-in-law sees fit to call the ex-wife about once a month to "catch up" and then likes to make it known that she does so. She even rubbed it in my face that she asked her to go alone shopping for the girls last year at Christmas. She still goes to the ex-daughter-in-law to get her hair done! She invites her to my nephews birthday parties. Needless to say she doesn't ever show up...thank goodness.
This is such a messed up affair and I could go on and on. But I'll stop and ask you for your advice. It is really playing havoc on my marriage and my children.
Oh and one more quickie. MY children have yet to be included in the family "name exchange" for Christmas. This issue has yet to be resolved even after speaking with other family members...they are also baffled!!! My
mother-in-law is in charge of the exchange!
Thank you for listening. And an answer would be appreciated!
I'm baffled too, but not in the same way. What baffles me is why in the world you would want to be invited into that home where they obviously don't like you and probably resent the fact that their son married you. I expect that you are a great woman, raising up such a big family and managing to keep your husband happy for six years despite his strange parents, and his even stranger brother.
But that's all going on outside your own home. It's got to do with people who like to keep their swimming hole to themselves, and enjoy being exclusive about parties. So go find your children another place to swim, and enjoy your own parties, never mind the ones where you aren't wanted.
Goodness knows why that lady doesn't like you but that's HER problem, not yours. Don't make your husband's life miserable by even noticing it. If you're not on their Christmas gift list, you'll just have to do without that extra kerchief or candle or whatever. I think you can manage. And your children will be saved the nuisance of trying to buy a gift for someone they hardly know. Take it as a blessing and celebrate Christmas in the way you most enjoy, without involvement in people who can hardly notice you when you call.
If your mother is lonely at Christmas, I'd think you could solve that for her simply by having her over to your house. With five kids around the tree I'm sure the day will be anything but lonely.
There is absolubely nothing in the whole wide world that you can do to change your mother in law, but you can certainly change your own attitude towards her. I think you've been spending too much time dreaming about how lovely things would be if she were just a nicer person. Well, she isn't. She is exactly who she is and all you can thank her for is for having raised that wonderful man you have chosen to live with. When she did that maybe she forgot that there's more to life than raising children. It would be nice if she could also understand the value of living happily with them after they are grown. But since she hasn't realized that yet, that's HER loss.
Don't let it ruin your life. And for goodness sake don't let it ruin your marriage. Move along with your own plans. I hope you can do that.
Sincerely yours,
GG
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