I don't know where to begin to describe the many problems I am having with my
mother-in-law, but I will try to give you an overview and get to my main question.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, very happily, and we have
three children, ranging from age 13 years to 10 months old. I have always
had problems with his mother, but have tried to keep them from interfering
too much with family harmony. The main problems I have always had are
that:
- she is not rational,
- she is always right,
- she is a baby when she doesn't
get her way,
- she is manipulative, immature and self-centered.
On the otherhand, she has another side that can be quite loving and fun. Unfortunately,
you never know which side of her on which day you are going to get. She has
two children, my husband and another son, who she is not on speaking terms
with right now and who lives far away in another state. My father-in-law
spoiled her rotten and never gave her any reason to change her behavior, even
though it was obvious to other family members that she was wrong. For
instance, she would throw fits of rage and say horrible things to her other son (who
she was always angry with because she couldn't control him and his wife and
their daughter) and then my father-in-law would call my brother-in-law and
demand that he apologized to his mother. She never once was forced to be
responsible for her behavior as long as my f-i-l was alive. (by the way, I
loved my f-i-l, he was a good man--too good.)
Okay--so here is my problem. My father-in-law unfortunately died three months ago,
and my mother-in-law will not stay by herself at night between 11 pm and 6 am in her
big house because she is dreadfully afraid of staying alone. She has always known
this and ever since I have been married to her son, she has told anyone that will listen
that she could never ever stay alone, not for even one night. I feel angry because even
though my f-i-l was 10 years older than her and in poor health for years, she never made any
attempt to move out of their large home. Now, guess what? Five nights out of seven each
week, my husband must go over to her house and spend the night with her because otherwise
she would have a "panic attack". The other two nights a dear friend of hers comes over
(who she backstabs constantly to me) and sleeps at her house so she will not be alone.
My m-i-l makes a big deal about what a big favor she is doing for me by giving my husband "a
couple of nights off." My m-i-l believes that this arrangement needs to continue for AT LEAST a
year due to the fact that she needs that much time to figure out where she should move. The
scary part is, she has made no attempt to do so thus far, and she confided in her granddaughter
that she thinks that no matter where she moved, even if it were assisted living, she would need
my husband there so she didn't have a "panic attack." I believe that secretly she is waiting for
us to invite her to come live with us. However, I don't see this happening because I think there
would then be three people in our marriage instead of two!
You are probably wondering how my husband feels. He is unhappy with the situation, but I think
he bought into the enabling thing long ago, inherited from his father. When I express dissatisfaction
with this arrangement, he says "Well, what do you want me to do?" I don't think it is fair for me
to be the wicked witch of the west and put my foot down and make my husband feel torn when
his mother freaks out.
This week, my husband did tell his mother that this arrangement was not working out well and that it was a hardship on his family. She flew into a rage and cried and said she couldn't believe her ears that her own
flesh and blood would say that. She said "after all I have done for you..." Then she called me and
demanded to know how this could possibly be a burden and that she knew I was behind it. She wanted
to know details such as was it causing marital problems? I don't feel I should have to clarify to my m-i-l why
I want my husband in bed at night by my side and sharing the intimacy that we share as man and wife and what an important aspect that is in our marriage -- and I'm not even talking about sex!
By the way, our house is very small and I could not have her spend the night here. We have no room.
Our boys both have ADHD, require total quiet to do their school work and must go to bed early. Since
she is hard of hearing, she has the TV on blasting till 11:30. We can't have the TV on during the
week. Frankly, on the weekends, I don't want her over here. I have to cater to her and entertain her and
treat her like a queen or she gets huffy.
If I have a choice, it is almost a relief to have my husband go over there, rather than have her over here. At least I get peace and quiet and privacy!
On top of this, my m-i-l refuses counseling for her "panic disorder". Why cure it when she has her son?
Please give me some good advice. I feel like it is a really sick situation. When I tell people, they look appalled. What to do? Am I out of line here?
Thank you for wading through all this, I do appreciate it very much.
Signed,
Lonely at Night & Mad during the day
No, you are not out of line. Writing it all down has been a good
exercise and will have helped you to focus on the whole situation - but
still there is no solution. Next time your husband asks you what you
want him to do, tell him to put his mother into a nursing home where
professionals will help her solve her problems.
But I don't suppose you can do that without having a doctor's advice.
You say she refuses to go to a doctor, but I think you must persuade
your husband to arrange an appointment and see to it that he takes her
there. A doctor could help a lot, if you find the right one. Have your
husband explain the problem to the doctor before his mother gets there.
If the doctor doesn't seem interested, get another doctor.
Generally I feel that going to a counsellor is less useful than doing
the counselling yourself, but in this case it looks as if your mother in
law really does need outside help.
There are support groups for widows where she might find people who
would sympathize with her fear of being alone and maybe even help her
overcome it. Losing a husband is devastating. Someday you might have to
find out for yourself and no matter how obnoxious your mother in law is
now, when it happens to you it will be easier for you to understand her.
Compassion won't solve the problem, though. You need to reclaim your
husband. He should be in your home every night and you can't have your
mother in law move in, so there has to be a solution. There are group
homes where seniors get together for mutual support - but maybe your
mother in law isn't really in that category yet.
She must, however, get her life together and organize herself for living
alone - unless she finds herself another husband, or perhaps another
widow with whom to share accommodations.
Because she seems to you to be a very selfish person, she may have
difficulty finding new friends. But perhaps she is only acting like a
baby around your husband - to get her way and have him to herself.
Perhaps she has a nicer personality when she is with strangers. If
there's any way you can get her out among other people, she might get
some other interest in her life.
Well, my dear, I've come up with not much in the way of encouragement,
but at least I can see that you are not going to lie down and let here
steamroll over you. Your best ally is your husband. Tell him to help you
find some place for his mother to go. Hunt everywhere until the right
place is found. Ask your doctor to help. And while you're trying to
solve her dilemma, try to see some good in her to make it easier for you
to live with the situation as it is today.
Truly yours,
GG
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