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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
-
My husband and I have a 3-yr. old boy. One month ago, we gave birth to a
second son. Recently, our 3-yr. old has started acting out (which we
expected), but a more disturbing behavior is that he is rejecting his
father. Our plan was to have his dad be more involved in the 3-yr. old's
life, while I care more for our infant son. However, our 3-yr. old is now
hitting, kicking, and throwing things at other little children, and
rejecting his dad. Dad is feeling rejected by his son, and is extremely
upset about it. In turn, my husband is feeling a bit sorry for himself,
and doesn't know whether he should pull away or what?
Help! Please!
Sincerely
- Dear friend
-
Seems you have two problem boys on your hands; your three year old
and your husband. The little boy, of course, doesn't realize he is putting
an extra burden on you just when you need lots of energy for the new
baby, but it's too bad your husband can't grow up and take on the new
situation without getting upset and feeling sorry for himself.
If he feels inclined to pull away from his son there's nothing you can
do about that but hope he will grow into his role and not add his own
problem to the weight you are carrying.
Your little boy is going through a natural "text book" stage with his
hitting and throwing things at other children. All he's trying to do is
impress himself on his surroundings. He wants to be a player in this
world and not be taken for granted. He is frustrated at lots of little things
that happen, (aren't we all?) and he has no other way of expressing
his frustrations except by throwing things and trying to rile up the
people around him.
I guess his father is one of those people, and doesn't know how to
react. Well, I wish he would hold his son in his arms a whole lot and
tell him what a fine lad he is, and tell him secrets that are for them
alone. He could also let this little three year old help him doing
important things, like fixing the car, or cleaning it up and going
special places in it. They could go into the kitchen together and make
something special like cookies, or even something simple like
ice-cream sundaes.
If your son just wants to pout and keep clear of his father, don't think
it's a situation that is going to last forever. Your husband doesn't have
to turn cartwheels to please his son, just include him in special things.
It's not necessary for him to take his son fishing, that isn't as simple
as it used to be is it, but he could take him to the grocery store and let
him help. The key to success in any outing with that little boy would
be to make him know that his presence is important; that he is part of
the process, and needed.
As for what YOU can do about all this, I guess you just have to cope with
the new baby, your unhappy husband, and your normal little three year old.
That's what mothers are supposed to do, isn't it? And if coping means
somehow finding special time to be with your husband so he won't imagine
that the whole burden of having a second son is on his shoulders, well, I
guess that's what you have to do. Try to make him feel important too.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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