I am a 36-year old woman with two wonderful children and a great husband, and
a lot of abundance in my life. I have the typical mother-in-law problems of
not being accepted (I come from another part of the country, am of a
different ethnic background, and a different educational background). Despite
this and on the whole, I am very grateful to my MIL for raising such a
wonderful son who I get to spend my life with.
The only issue that I find difficult to swallow over the 15 years we've been
married is the teaming up of my MIL and her favorite of six children, my
sister-in-law, in belittling my choices, my lifestyle, and my independence.
They always do this in an indirect-agressive or behind-my-back manner
with the rest of the family. My SIL is artificially sweet with me but continues
to belittle me with the other siblings usually in a teasing but very sarcastic
manner. I am very fortunate to live far away from them and my husband
has advised me to just not give them any information at all even though
they constantly seek it because he knows that it is just used as grist for
the rumor mill.
I have tried to continue to turn the other cheek, to look at them
sympathetically, and to not really think of them much at all. When I don't
write to them regularly, I receive very cold and often stilted notes from my
MIL referencing the lack of communication.
We are about to see the family again and were planning on having our
youngest baptised at the family event, but I am still smarting from the sarcastic
remarks that my MIL and SIL still make about our older child's baptism
(being too formal, being too expensive, being a showcase for me - to
feed my ego). I am torn between wanting my children to feel that they
are a part of my husband's family and wanting to shield them and myself
from the tension that will pervade the event.
You would think that I would have a better game plan after 15 years, but all
I have developed is a low-key approach where I don't talk about myself to
them at all (but they pepper me and my husband with questions), where I
downplay all special events (I will probably have the baptism at our home
with just my husband's brother and not do it at the family get-together), and
where I just accept their behind-the-scenes character assasination as a
behavior that makes them feel bigger or better. Despite my rationalization,
I still feel badly about how they think of me and treat me.
I don't have any delusions that I will ever change their attitude toward me,
but do you have any suggestions on how I can think differently of them and
of their behavior so that it doesn't get to me as much?
Take your husband's advice: give them no grist for their rumour mill.
It must be very hard on him to see his family carrying on in such a jealous
manner about his wife. It's hard on you too, of course, but you can handle
it. You know they envy you and need to keep harping on everything they
can think of to cover that up. They are criticizing you all the time with
unveiled inuendos. You can bet that when you are not there they go to
town royally with all sorts of nasty nonsense about you.
Amazing, isn't it, that such a fine man as your own husband could have
come from such a gossiping family! But that's how it is. And he knows
more about them than you do; he grew up with them and has been
putting up with them all his life.
So now you just have to ignore their biting sarcasm, smile nicely, think of
something complimentary to say to them about their own lives, and try
desperately to enjoy their companionship. Not easy, I know - but if you can
look for some aspect of their lives that you can sound enthusiastic about,
and keep telling them you are interested in what they are doing - the day
will pass and it will be time to leave and you'll discover that simply all the
time hasn't been spent listening to their barbs.
As for the letter writing, you can't go on describing your interesting life because
that will just make them more and more jealous, and then more and more hateful.
So if they insist in receiving letters, describe the weather, politics, stuff you saw
on TV, or the news. Don't regale them with what your own family is doing. But do
take an interest in what their families are doing. They hate you for the life you
are leading, so play it down.
I don't know if I've been any help, but the main advice is to do what your husband
suggested; he's unusually wise for a man!
Yours sincerely,
GG
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