Hi, I'm writing to you because I have a problem, as you can probably tell!
I have been going out with my boyfriend for about four months now. We have
a great relationship - we trust each other, talk openly about our feelings and
make each other laugh. Everything seemed perfect. Then I found out that he
finds my mother extremely attractive.
I am an extremely confident person on the outside but inwardly I am very
sensitive and extremely insecure and I don't think he realises this to the
extent that it is. I can deal with most problems very well but the two
things that really hit a raw nerve are my weight and my mother. I am petite
and people always tell me I have a good figure but I have always felt fat.
In addition, despite the fact that I have a great relationship with my mum,
I have always thought that she is much prettier, thinnner and more elegant
than me. And she is a really attractive woman.
I hate getting too close to people because I was sexually abused when I was
a little girl and have been let down and hurt in the past. For the first
time I was feeling really happy and secure about being with my someone. I
felt very comfortable around him.
He has mentioned the fact that he thinks my mum is attractive a couple of
times but it did not really bother me, as many people think this. However,
last night he was looking at a picture of me and her on my bedroom wall
and said that she looked lovely, but failed to mention me. Then today when
I was on the phone to him, because I always ask him what he is wearing, he
asked me what I was wearing, not in a sexual way and then asked what my
mum was wearing. Immediately this overwhelming feeling of betrayal and
hurt hit me and I cannot get rid of it.
He is truly a very kind and gentle person, who would never intend to hurt
me, but he has, deeply. The thing is that I don't know what to do. I am
not embarrassed to talk to him about it, and no doubt if I did he would tell
me that he was with me because he wants to be with me and me only, and I
know that it is common for many boys to find their girlfriend's mother's
attractive because they are older and are unavailable. The point is that I
cannot look at him in the same way now. I feel that his feelings for me
have diminished, even if he says they haven't, and he has threatened my
confidence greatly. When this happens I become very defensive. I don't
really want to see him or speak to him or touch him, because I don't feel
that he wants just me any more, and I don't know what to do because the
feeling won't go away. Reason and logic don't stop me from feeling
insecure and wanting to withdraw from him.
Please help me.
If you want to withdraw from him then do just that. It's one way to find out if you
really do love him, and if he really does love you.
When you tell me that you are confident on the outside but inwardly
sensitive and insecure you are describing just about everyone, aren't you?
We all have this great outward personality surrounding our vulnerable inner
selves. Your mother is the same. And your boyfriend is too. But that's not
your problem. All you have to decide is whether you can live happily ever
after with a man who is not going to stop admiring beautiful women, even if
one of them is your own mother.
Perhaps marriage isn't in your mind right now, so you could go on dating this
man forever, as long as he doesn't keep noticing what a nice woman your
mother is. I think you'd like to have a boyfriend who didn't notice anyone
else except you. That might be hard to find. How he expresses his interest
in other women is more important than just wondering what they are wearing.
Watch him when he is around your mother. If he is really trying to draw her
attention, then you could just walk away and see what happens next.
If you can't stand wondering what he is really thinking, with regard to your
mother, ask him right out. Apparently she is free and single and he might
think he'd like to date her. Well - if that's in his mind you could tell him to
go ahead. And then you would know that he doesn't feel comitted to you
and go find yourself another guy.
But my feeling about this is that he has no such idea in his mind. He simply
likes her looks and doesn't mind talking about it. Some women can't stand it
when their husbands talk about other good looking women, or stare at them,
or speak to them.
Being that kind of jealous is sad. Just because your boyfriend has decided
to be YOUR boyfriend, like when a man decides to be somebody's husband,
it doesn't mean he has to wear blinkers for the rest of his life. If he thinks
someone is good looking it would be nice if he could talk about that with
you. You could do the same. If you see some attractive man, tell your boyfriend
what you think. If it bothers him, tell him that you feel the same way when he
is admiring your mother.
You have a few alternatives here. You can ignore the whole thing - that's the
best. Or you can have a showdown and come right out and ask him if he'd like
to date your mother. Or you can tell him that his interest in your mother is
bothering you. Or you can leave him if it bothers you that much, and let him
make the next move.
Not much help, am I? But I hope I've provided a few thoughts to help you
solve your own problem. That's just about all I can do anyway.
Yours sincerely,
GG
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