Have a question which deals with myself, my mother and my father
(actually both of them).
Background: My mother was previously married (to Alfred). I was always
told that Alfred was my father. My mother was single when I was born;
married Alfred a month later, but became a widow when Alfred died en
route home from his term in the Air Force. This occurred five months
after my birth, and he never saw me nor I saw him.
My mother remarried
2 years later (to Bill) who adopted me 4 years later, and I assumed his
last name. For ALL this time (at least 41 years), I was told that
Alfred was my birth father, so I always kept close contact with
Alfred's side of the family as well. Even when I joined the Air Force
and had a background investigation, and I asked my mother for
information on Alfred for filling out the background data, she provided
it freely.
Now, after 42 years, I found out that Alfred was not my real father.
My mother called me one day and said, "I need to talk to you about your
father." I assumed it was about Bill. Then she added, "Your real
father." "Oh, Alfred." "No, Alfred was not your father..."
She wanted to tell me who he was and added that he was still living in
the immediate area, and asked me whether I would want to meet him.
Loving my father as much as I do...Bill, that is...I didn't want to meet
anyone else, and to this day have not accepted her giving me any names.
But, I'm now curious as well.....should I at least find out who he is and
about his background (i.e. health) or should I continue to be in the
dark voluntarily?
My wife says to meet him (because she and my father
are not that close), but I don't want to hurt my father who had raised
me all my life.
Any advice?
This has nothing to do with Bill. He is your father. He adopted you and
has raised you and you love him. That is a situation that will not change.
He and you have always known that he is not your biological father, and
until now you have thought that was a man named Alfred, whom you had
never seen. Now you find that it was actually another person. Why in the
world would you not want to meet him? I'm sure he'd love to meet you.
It seems to me that by the age of 42 you would be mature enough to know
how your mother could have found it easier to let you think that Alfred
was your father. Now that this other man turns out to be your biological
father you'll be much better off to meet him and get to know him and
chat with him about the whole situation; rather than letting the whole
matter be hidden forever like some sort of awful secret.
If the thought of your mother having had a child out of wedlock is
bothering you, I think you have a lot of growing up to do. But I suspect
that's not your problem because in your letter all you have suggested is
that going to meet him would seem like some sort of disloyalty to the
man who raised you and who is in law your real father.
In the best of all scenarios, he should get to know that other man, your
biological father, but that sort of relationship might cause
embarassment to your mother so I think you should just go and meet him.
Get to know him. It's not as if you were a child and going to live with
him, leaving your parents' home. Just find out about him. If you have
children, tell them about him when you think they are old enough to
understand that family relations are not always like the text-book
versions.
Your situation is not by any means unique. Almost every family has some
such secrets, so don't feel too badly that this big surprise has
happened to you. It happens to many, many people every day.
Yours truly,
Granny
Return to Granny's Query index
