She's 90, she's wealthy, she lives alone and she's baaad! Mother has
been an opportunist most of her life and surely one of the most
difficult personalities you can imagine. She's still in relatively good
health despite her advanced age. Others in her family were alienated by
her long ago despite her caustic tongue and her tendency to make life as
tough as possible for everyone.. Father escaped into senile dementia
rather early, and finally died in a nursing home this year. This has made
grandma's 50 year old gigolo much bolder.
(Yes, you heard me correctly.)
Now he has all the info on grandma's accounts, brings her
flowers, takes her out on "dates", and suggests they go into business
together. She's talking about getting a facelift.
I let this weirdo
know he should back off or I'd call the cops, but he immediately told
her about the confrontation. Now she's furiously angry with me and has
forbidden me, her last available family member, to ever visit her or
talk to her again. Now what? Help.
(Obviously the call the cops
threat was a bit over the top. There are no laws prohibiting gifts of
flowers to silly old ladies or accepting large gifts from them
either.) Actually, I'm very worried about her. Any advice?
Talking
with her doctor is no help - she changes them every couple of months.
She has no religious affiliation and no social life other than this dude
and is unlikely to acquire one. (She says she hates "old people".)
If your mother dies tomorrow, will you be proud of your interaction with her?
Just exactly what are you worried about?
Your mother seems not to have enjoyed your love, because of her way of
"making life as tough as possible for everyone." Now you seem to think
you are her last available family member (and only heir perhaps?) so you
feel authorized to decide who she should befriend. This is classic!
Who else in her life brings her flowers and takes her out? Who else is
making her happy? You are pretending to blame her husband's dementia on
her, which is a big mistake. Having lived these past years with a
husband who is suffering dementia has not been easy for her. If she is
actually as mean tempered as you claim, there may be a reason.
I wish your mother had a whole bunch of family members who would wish
her well and rejoice in the fact that someone is making her life bright
and full of surprises. If this man is doing it for money, hoping to
inherit what otherwise would be handed down to her unfriendly family,
well, them's the breaks! There are many ways to assure yourself of your
inheritance and it might not be too late now. It could be quite a chore
but if money is all that important to you, you have to replace that man
in her affections and see to it that you give her just as good a time as
he does.
If you and the other relatives had noticed her loneliness long ago and
gone out of your way to help her through her own difficulties, this
might never have happened. If you don't approve of her "gigolo" you
could try to replace him with some other gentleman friend closer to her
age.
You must think he is just a fortune hunter, to be talking about going to
the police. If he is actually stealing money from her you might have a
case but it would be hard to prove. Confronting him with threats of an
investigation could intimidate him; then if he is really a con man and
has perhaps done this with other old ladies, he might be frightened
away. If you decide to take any such action, be ready for your mother to
hate you even more, but meantime you could, out of compassion, go out of
your way to pay a little attention to her for a change.
Sitting around gossiping about what a dreadful person she is helps
nobody. Find out what wonderful traits she does have; prevail upon her
to relate the early experiences of her long life; tell your friends and
relations what a fascinating person she is; in other words, try to be a
positive influence in her life and thank God she is whom she is. Without
her, there would be no you.
Think about it.
Truly yours,
GG
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