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Granny's Advice By Rosaleen Dickson, BA, MJ
- Dear Great Granny.
All my life I have waited for a daughter-in-law and grandchildren. (I have 2
sons.) Well, six months ago my son married, and my first grandchild is
expected in Feb. I have seen my new daughter-in-law maybe 6 times, in
the 2 years they have lived together. I have called them, and have extended
lunch invitations, shopping. etc. to get to know her better. The following
is the letter I received yesterday:
Hello!
I just wanted to talk to you about a couple of things. I'm not a very
good communicator. I'm a letter writer, so that's why I'm writing.
I just feel like there are some things you and I need to talk about so Sony
doesn't have to feel so "in the middle." I know it bothers you that I don't
want to do a lot with you. It's not because I don't like you, because I do.
I'm just not that kind of person.
I thought you were told that, but maybe you misunderstood, because I
still hear things and feel like I'm being pressured about us doing things.
It also makes me feel uncomfortable that the efforts I do make you don't
seem to notice. I've just always been this way. I only have one good
friend and don't talk to my family a whole lot, so it's not you. I'd feel
more comfortable if you invited Tony if you want to go to lunch. After all,
he is your son and my husband.
One other thing, I know you give Tony a lot of advice on his life and tell
him things you think he should do. Well, in my upbringing, I've always
been very independent, the head of the household at times, and so I
don't take a lot of advice very well and with the baby coming I thought I
should let you know. This is our first baby and I will be very over
protective. I'll want things done our way and want total control of all
decisions for our baby. Outfits, haircuts, discipline, food, sleep times.
Don't get me wrong, little bits of advice are appreciated, it's just that we
will ultimately make all the decisions for our baby and would like you to
support us in that.
I know you're excited and want to help. I just don't want you to help too
much and take some of those decision's and fun things from us by
accident. I want you to be involved as a grandmother, but we are the
parents that's all.
I just thought you had the right to know how I feel and what to expect.
Better now than after the baby.
D in L
Well, what do you think? We are a close family, and this has hurt me
deeply. I do not even know if my son knows she wrote this.
HELP
- Dear friend
-
Your new daughter in law has made it totally clear that she doesn't
want to grow up any more. She wants you to know that she does not plan
to change in any way. Also she wants you to know that in HER family, SHE
is the boss and will make ALL the decisions.
Chances are that she will do a good job of looking after your
grandchild, and chances are that your son is happy living with that sort
of a domineering woman. So, I guess your best bet is to just keep
yourself clear of that whole situation.
I believe she has left the door open to possible future meetings with
you, but also she has suggested that you should rather meet with your
son, alone.
If I were you I would get myself some other interests. Don't pin your
whole life on a relationship with that grandchild. As time goes by, if
you don't turn into an interfering grandmother, they will include you in
family activities and you and your grandchild will become friends. But
just don't make the mistake of trying to take part in his, or her,
upbringing. You have had your turn at raising children. Now it is
someone else's turn. No matter how much better you could do it,
considering all the experience you've had, you still will have a much
happier life if you leave the next generation to someone else, namely,
your son and daughter-in-law.
When they do come to you for advice, or any other sort of help, then you
can demonstrate your true feelings of compassion and love for them all
by doing whatever you can under the circumstances. Just don't press your
ideas upon them and for goodness sake don't criticize them for what you
think they are doing wrong. Just don't notice the mistakes they will
make.
I hope you will find enough other interests to occupy you elsewhere so
that you won't feel a need to be involved with this young family all the
time. Enjoy what you see them doing. Show them all the respect they need
to become responsible parents. And be thankful that your new daughter in
law has gathered up the strength to write down her innermost feelings
about the relationship she wants to establish with you.
You might be surprised. She might actually become flexible and find out
that there are ways to cooperate, and ways to be hospitable to you, and
ways even to learn from others. But for the moment she is obviously
totally immersed in her own infallibility. She assumes she is right and
refuses the possibility of taking advice any where else. Don't try to
change her. She'll have to do that for herself.
Good luck with this.
Truly yours,
GG
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