I'm sure you've heard it all but here goes.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years. When we first married
we lived in a house that belonged to his parents. My husband lived there
by himself for a few years prior to our marriage and his mother went
there almost every day to clean, do his laundry, and leave his meals.
Yes my husband was mommas boy.
After we married mother-in-law continued her daily visits. We both
worked and she would come inspect every day and then report to anyone
who would listen when anything was not kept as she thought is should be.
I tried to get my husband to talk to her but he would not. After 9
months of this I did the worse thing a wife can do in that situation; I
told him to stop her or else I was going to leave. We were separated for
2 weeks and he decided to get things "taken care of " with his mother
and then convinced me to come back home {which wasn't very hard for him
to do.}
Well a lot of time has passed since then. We live in our own home now and
have had very little problems with mother-in-law, well at least none that
I couldn't just tolerate. My father-in-law passed away about 7 years ago.
And a grandson that my mother-in-law raised lives with her. The problem we
face now is that the grandson is now grown and is gone from home a lot.
Mother-in-law is jealous of the relationships he has with ladies just
like she was with me and my husband when we first got married. And she
wants him to stay home with her all the time.
She has resorted to pretending to be ill to the extent that she insists
that we take her to the emergency room at least once a month and most of
the time more than that. If she thinks she is going to have to stay home
alone she "becomes ill" She has quit doing anything for herself. She
won't cook her own meals.
She won't clean her house. She mostly stays in bed and complains
that she is going to die alone. Mother-in-law does have a few health
problems. She is terribly over weight, which causes her to have
circulation problems. She has bad knees, So she has problems walking and
is prone to having respitory problems. Mostly all of her health problems
are due to her weight. The doctors do extensive examinations when we
take her to the E.R. they usually keep her a couple days to run all
kinds of tests to make sure she is really ok. But always they find
nothing but she just needs to lose weight.
She wants to stay the weekends with us because her grandson is gone
mostly on the weekends. I don't think this is a good idea. I think my
husband and his 3 sisters {who help some but could help more} need to
make her get out of that bed and have a life. All my sisters-in-law work
and I do not work a public job, so they all think I should just adjust
my schedule to accomodate my mother-in-laws needs. My husband is self
employed and I keep his books and run his errends.
I do not want my mother-in-law to move in with us and I know that is
what will happen if they don't get her out of that bed. She is seeing a
phychiatrist but she is not crazy she is smart because she knows how to
pull everyone's chains to get them to cater to her. She won't take her
physician's advice because she has been to a phychiatrist before and
when they tell her what she does not want to hear she just quits going.
I have told my husband that I will not allow her to move in with us
unless she really can't care for herself. And now I am so scared she
will play on his sympathy and convince him she really needs our care
when in fact she does not. She is the most self-centered, unhappy,
miserable person I have ever met. My children can't stand being around
her. My son who is in collage will call to see if "mamo" is at our house
before he will come home for a visit. I hate this situation. My husband
is miserable she worries him to death, I feel so sorry for him. What on
earth can I do.
Please advise A.S.A.P
It's too bad, when you decided to marry your "momma's boy" that you
didn't realize how things would inevitably turn out. But you didn't, and
it's too late now to reverse that decision. You are married to him, and
also to his family; that's just the way it works.
You were able to control the situation before by threatening to leave if
your husband didn't "get things taken care of" with relation to his
mother. That caused a brief separation which you were delighted to end.
Now you are taking control again, by telling your husband you "will not
allow her to move in ... unless she really can't care for herself." All
well and good, especially since you will be the one to decide whether or
not she can care for herself.
Your children have learned no compassion for their grandmother, even to
the point of staying away when she is around. What a lonely existence
she must have! She is so lonely that just the thought of staying home
alone makes her physically ill.
Your mother-in-law is not pretending, she truly is sick. Everything you
have written about her indicates that. Her obesity is debilitating and
she is unable to control it. Psychiatrists apparently can't help her,
but I don't think it is psychiatrists that she needs. What she needs
desperately is love and sympathy from her own family.
Since her daughters can't or won't come to her help, and that one
grandson to whom she has given so much of herself has tired of his role
in her life, it seems that she depends on her son, who happens to also
be your husband.
You are living in the false hope that she is going to miraculously
change her whole way of life. You expect her to lose weight; something
that millions of people simply can't manage no matter how much support
they have in their efforts. You expect her to regain some of the
strength and energy she had in the days when she used to come over to
her son's house and do all the housework. You expect her to deal with
her fears by herself, when she feels awful and resorts to the hospital
and doctors to reassure her.
I wonder how much you could actually accomplish, on her bahalf, if you
were able to change your attitude towards her.
Suppose you were to convince your children that one of these days they
might be in the situation their grandmother finds herself now and it
would be only reasonable for them to let her into their lives. Suppose
they could learn to live with the invasions she makes into their home
life.
Suppose your husband were allowed to treat her in the loving way she
probably expected he would, in those early days when she was devoting
all her time to caring for him; not only when he was living in her
house, but for all those earlier years since the day he was born.
Suppose you were able to view this tired, sick, lonely and frightened
woman as a human being instead of the dreaded mother-in-law figure that
so many people keep writing to me about, as if all such women were, by
definition, intrinsically evil.
Your situation is extremely difficult. However you decide to solve the
problem will require a huge effort on your part, and also on the parts
of your children. For you husband it will be a tiny bit easier, but it
will still not be a piece of cake.
Since you've been so well able to describe the whole picture, you will
find a way to work it through. There is no way in the world that you are
ever going to change your mother-in-law, but you have a tiny chance of
readjusting your children's attitudes towards her, and chances are good
that your husband will cooperate with whatever you decide. But the
largest part of the change that must take place is for you to make the
enormous effort needed to get inside your mother-in-law's head, see
things as she does, and help her in every way you can.
If loving her is impossible for you, I suggest you find her some friends
elsewhere. Not knowing what services are available in your community, I
can't suggest where you could go for this help. But if her own family
can't provide the love and understanding she needs, then it must be
found elsewhere. As you know, she needs "a life" - so I guess you may as
well help her find it. With her own family, or elsewhere.
Good luck.
GG
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