I need someone with a clear head that's not involved to give me
advice on how I can help my married daughter.
Our daughter is married
for 8 years and they have 3 children ages 5 1/2, 3, and 6 days old. Our
daughter always has all holidays in their house because the 5 1/2 year
old has Asthma and can't go into my son-in-law's sister's house. They
have a cat and a dog which he is allergic to. Our daughter gave birth
6 days ago, and in her conversation, her mother-in-law requested
the family all eat together for this holiday.
Our daughter told her that
she wasn't up to having so many people this holiday. Well, her mother
arrived with food and put it in the refrigerator. Our daughter couldn't
believe that she would do that. She thought they would all go out to eat .
I think that her inlaws have no respect for her or the new baby, who she
is breast feeding. When my daughter asked her why she did that, she
said she wanted the family to eat together.
Oh I forgot to tell you that
her sister-in-law went to a friend for dinner with her 2 children and made
these plans before anything with the food happened.
Well now I need to
tell you what my son-in-law did. He took a shower got dressed and and
went out to eat with his family and left our daughter home alone .
I realize
that you are only hearing this part of the story, and I could continue on for
days about this. What pissed my son in law was that our other daughter
came to visit after they had eaten breakfast, to see the new baby and
brought food bagels and cake with her so that she could give her 3 kids
a bite for lunch. He thought that was terrible! They ate on paper plates
and cleaned up after. So now they are not talking to each other over
this matter.
Shouldn't our son-in-law have told his mother she was
wrong, and stuck by his wife? I think he didn't behave like a man and
am very disappointed. On the other hand, he could have told her that
his mother did the wrong thing and would she mind if they ate there and
cleaned up themselves. He knows his mother is very controlling and that
she would be causing a problem if she brought food.
Please help me to
help them.
Thanks so much
How can I help you help them? They can only help themselves. If there
was any way we could cause their other mother-in-law to become less
possessive, that would be great, but you cannot change other people. It
is just impossible.
If we could possibly make your son-in-law shift his allegiance to his
wife and stand beside her against all odds, that would be great too. But
we can't change his attitude. If he is more attuned to the needs of his
mother than those of his wife, that is the way he will always be. This
attitude has not just appeared over the past few days; surely he has
always been like this, and surely your daughter has known it all along,
even before she married him.
When she entered into this marriage, and proceded to have three children
with him, she must have been constantly aware of his relation with his
mother, and of her need to be a strong factor in their marriage. She is
coping with the situation and I suppose your best bet would be to stay
right out of the whole affair.
You can become the very best mother-in-law that you know how to be, and
by your example it is faintly possible that the other one will take
note. It's possible that bringing all the food into the house for that
holiday dinner was an act of kindness, in her eyes. All the shenanigans
about the sister-in-law going elsewhere, and your other daughter coming
to the house with bagels for her own youngsters, seem inconsequential to
me, but for your son-in-law to go out to dinner with his own parents,
leaving your daughter alone with a newborn baby seems mean and
uncivilized.
But how do we know what preceded this unkind act. Maybe he wanted her to
come along and maybe she refused, because her sister was there. Or maybe
she just didn't want to take that infant out to a restaurant. And maybe
she and he had a big row, in which case who knows what actually
precipitated his leaving the house? The whole fracas about a holiday is
stupid anyway. Holidays are supposed to be fun, not cause for a family
feud.
If I believed in marriage counselling I'd say they need to buy some, but
they could also counsel each other. If their entire marriage is going to
be complicated with this sort of nonsense over every holiday and dear
knows what else, they might better end it now. Such strained
relationships do not only destroy the people involved but also the lives
of the children. But the best way for them to deal with the present
impasse would be to sit down and talk it out. Counsel each other. Find
out for once and for all where their individual priorities are.
Compromise and get their lives back on the same track.
And during all this, your best position would be not to interfere or
even advise - beyond suggesting that they talk it out between
themselves. If they can't even do that, their troubles are deeper than
you imagine. Let them work it out between themselves and hope for the
best.
Yours truly,
GG
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