I decided to divorce a husband of 20 years because he could not stop having
affairs with other women. I call it the Presidential Disease. He was unfaithful
for about 7 years of the 20 we were married. He was verbaly abusive and was
generally untruthful and hid money from me, etc..
I have a decent settlement, but here is the problem.
My only son is getting married next April and my ex-husband seems to be
determined to try to keep me out of the wedding plans. His new wife is the
one that has been making the plans for the parts of the wedding that is normally
given to the mother of the groom. She is choosing the menu and etc.
I cannot afford to do this myself and my ex-husband seems to think that
because he is paying he is the prime mover on the whole wedding.
I love my son and my soon to be daughter-in-law. I want to help them with
the wedding and I don't want to add to their stress. I realize that the
parents of the bride have more responsibilities than the grooms but this
stepmother has three daughters of her own and I want to tell her to BUTT
out but I do not wish to appear ingracious or uncooperative.
Can you give me the best way to solve this problem? Can you give me
some words to speak without appearing to be a bitter mother of the groom?
Thanks for your help!
What a situation! I can certainly see why your husband's new wife wants
to be involved but, as you say, there must be some civilized and
diplomatic way for you to take your part as the mother of the groom.
First, I think you should forget about the menu. That's trivial. Whoever
chooses it won't matter. Everyone will enjoy it anyway and nobody will
know or care who selected the food
At the wedding ceremony there will be a special place for the parents of
the bride and groom and you must be there, in the front row, where
everyone will see you and know that you are indeed part of the wedding
party. Also if there is a reception line for greeting the guests, you must be
there too, to receive handshakes, kisses, comments and congratulations.
At the reception, if there is a seating plan, you must be seated at the
head table along with the other parents, and be included in pictures
that will be taken before and after the reception.
To achieve these special considerations, I believe the person to speak
with would be the mother of the bride. She will probably be making these
arrangements and will understand your feelings.
I would think you could phone her, but also write her a note. If your
suggestions are written down she can refer to them as she makes the
arrangements. If you don't write them all down, she might forget one or
more of them.
Your letter would be brief. Start with a greeting and then say that
since the wedding will not be as simple as some, you would like to
suggest that for purposes of arrangements you are the mother of the
groom.
- in the church, that you be seated in the front row on the groom's
side.
- that you be included in family photographs taken at the wedding.
- that you be included in the reception line with other family members.
- at the reception, that you be seated at the head table .
Chances are she will have thought of this already, but it's always
possible for such details to be forgotten and if she isn't reminded
beforehand, it will be too late to change things at the last minute
without making it into an embarassment and a complicated problem.
I would suggest also that you give a copy of the letter to your son and
his bride-to-be because chances are she will be working closely with her
mother on all the arrangements. You don't want to seem to be dictating
anything to them, just reminding them in case they might have been
confused because the father of the groom has a different wife. She will
of course want to be included as a member of the family also, but in
fact, YOU are the mother of the groom and should be honoured as such.
If, after all your precautions, they still forget to honour you as they
should, the kindest thing you could do would to be to never mention it
to anyone. Let the marriage day be a lovely memory for your son and his
bride. They won't love you less if you didn't turn up at the head table,
or whatever, but they will greatly appreciate you if it never becomes an
issue between you and any other of their various elders.
I hope it works well for you and that you can enjoy their, and your,
special day.
Truly yours
G
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